Rules Grammar Change

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Vol 31 Issue 09

Tom Bosley Named Secretary Of Naps

WASHINGTON, DC—Beloved veteran actor Tom Bosley, star of Happy Days and Father Dowling Mysteries, was appointed U.S. Secretary of Naps Tuesday. "I think the American people can be comfortable with Mr. Bosley's solid record on napping," President Clinton said. "He will serve our nation's napping interests well." Bosley's platform includes a 20-minute snooze at his desk during daylight hours, an occasional dozing-off toward the end of the day, and prolonged weekend lie-downs at home in the early evening hours, when, Bosley said, "I tend to get really sleepy."

Twentysomething Generation Turns 35

AUSTIN, TX—Advertising agencies across the nation reacted with shock Monday, when the U.S. Census Bureau revealed that the mean age of the "twentysomething generation" is now 35. According to the report, the twentysomethings are no longer 20- to 29-year-olds who wear ripped flannel shirts and "hang out" on college campuses. Most are now married and have full-time jobs. Todd Leaks, an Austin-area twentysomething, recently turned 36. "I was 28 when that book Generation X came out," he said. "Man, that was a while ago already." Labels previously ascribed to the twentysomethings, such as "Generation X" and "slackers," have now been transferred to those Americans born between 1968 and 1977, who have also adopted the clothing styles and musical tastes of the twentysomethings.

Visa Fires Bob Dole

NEW YORK—Credit-card giant Visa announced Tuesday that Bob Dole has been dropped from its current "No ID" advertising campaign. "The American people were just not responding to Bob Dole," Visa director of corporate communications Ron Landau said. "People found him to be depressing." When asked how he felt about being fired, Dole said, "I can say my line differently if you want. Tell me how I'm supposed to say my line." He then burst into tears.

Congress Approves $15 Billion MediCruelty

WASHINGTON, DC—With a rapidly aging populace in increasing need of medical care, Congress approved funding Monday for MediCruelty, a new system of health care which focuses on cruelty toward the elderly. "Care is very expensive," Sen. Al D'Amato (R-NY) said. "It will be much more cost-effective in the long run to be cruel to the elderly." The system will offer seniors Emergency Neglect Service, a 24-hour toll-free number that will connect to nowhere. Clearwater, FL, resident Gladys Rankin, 72, is already among the first recipients of MediCruelty. A rare bone disease has rendered her immobile, and treatments for her condition are very expensive. Under Medi-Cruelty, she was left outside her senior center near a back-alley dumpster Tuesday. "My bones hurt," Rankin said.

Firewood, Bread Top New Russian Agenda

MOSCOW—Russian leaders Monday unveiled their new agenda for the next several years: the procurement of firewood and bread. "Our homes are very cold," Kremlin official Igor Kerensky said. "Many of us have not eaten for days." The new agenda replaces a previous one, which involved the development of a technologically advanced, fully modernized nation-state capable of leading Europe into the 21st century. If the firewood plan is successful, within five years Russian leaders hope to shift their focus to obtaining running water and soap. "Do you have food?" Kerensky added. "I am very hungry."

Protecting The Police

In the wake of an ever-growing number of shootings of police officers, including last week's L.A. bank-robbery shootout, debate is raging over how to better protect our nation's law enforcement officials. What do you think?

EPA: Recycling Eliminated More Than 50 Million Tons Of Guilt In '96

WASHINGTON, DC—According to an Environmental Protection Agency report released Monday, nationwide recycling efforts eliminated more than 50 million tons of guilt in 1996. The figure represents the greatest reduction in consumption-related guilt among the American populace in over a decade.
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Rules Grammar Change

WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Grammar Guild Monday announced that no more will traditional grammar rules English follow. Instead there will a new form of organizing sentences be.

Announces to reporters Joyce Watters grammar rules new English for. U.S. Grammar Guild is Watters president of.

U.S. Grammar Guild according to, the new structure loosely on an obscure 800-year-old, pre-medieval Anglo-Saxon syntax is based. The syntax primarily verbs, verb clauses and adjectives at the end of sentences placing involves. Results this often, to ears American, a sentence backward appearing.

"Operating under we are, one major rule," said Joyce Watters, president of the U.S. Grammar Guild. "Make English, want we, more archaic and dignified sounding to be, as if every word coming from the tongue of a centuries-old, mystical wizard, is."

Brief pause Watters made then a. "Know I, know I," said she. "Confusing sounds it, but every American used to it soon will be."

At a press conference recent greeted warmly the new measure by President Clinton was.

"No longer will we adhere to the dull, predictable structure of our traditional grammar system. This nation will now begin speaking, writing and listening to something fresh, exciting and different," said Clinton.

"Excuse me," added he pause long after a. "Meant I, the dull, predictable system our traditional grammar of adhere to no longer will we. Speaking, writing and listening to something fresh, exciting and different will this nation now begin."

This week beginning, America across, all dictionaries, thesauruses and any other books or objects with any sort of writing upon it or in it revised to fit the new syntax will be. Libraries assure people wish to that the transition promptly begin will, but that patient people should be, as so much to change there is.

"Feel good it will make people to know for all these changes that, librarians cold, crabby and as paranoid and overprotective of their books and periodicals as ever remain will," said Yvonne Richter, Director of the Library of Congress.

The enthusiasm of government officials despite, many Americans about the new plan upset are. "Why in the world did they do this?" a New Canaan, CT, insurance salesman, said Brent Pryce. "There's absolutely no reason. It's utterly pointless and will cause total chaos throughout the country, not to mention the fact that it will cost billions of dollars to implement. And what's this U.S. Grammar Guild, anyway? I've never heard of it."

When of this complaint informed, government officials that they could not the man's words understand said, because of the strange, unintelligible way of speaking he was.

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