After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Rumsfeld Equally Proud Of All His Wars

WASHINGTON, DC—Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced Monday that he shows no favoritism to the Iraq war and, in fact, loves all his wars equally. "Afghanistan, my first Gulf War, and all my covert operations in Central America—I may not say it often enough, but I'm as proud of them as I am of Iraqi Freedom," a beaming Rumsfeld said. "Sure, I may be giving Iraq more of my time now, but that's because it's so newly liberated. When those other wars had just started, I was just as involved with them." Rumsfeld added that he expects "a little jealousy" when mounting tensions in Syria begin to demand the Defense Department's attention.

After Birth

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