Rumsfeld Leaves Most Recent Job Off Resumé

Top Headlines

Politics

Candidate Profile: Bobby Jindal

Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal declared Wednesday his candidacy for the 2016 presidential nomination, although the Rhodes Scholar and one-time Republican rising star faces difficult odds in a jam-packed primary field. Here’s what you need to know about Jindal

Candidate Profile: Donald Trump

Billionaire real estate mogul and television personality Donald Trump announced Tuesday plans to run in the 2016 presidential election, marking the first time he will formally seek the Republican nomination after floating the idea in several previous election cycles. Here are some key facts to know about Trump:

Candidate Profile: Jeb Bush

Former Florida governor Jeb Bush announced his candidacy Monday for the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential election, putting one of the early frontrunners in the polls officially into the race. Here are some key facts to know about Jeb Bush:

Candidate Profile: Rick Perry

Former Texas governor Rick Perry announced Thursday his candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, hoping to fare better than he did in his unsuccessful bid for the Republican nomination in 2012. Here’s what you need to know about Perry:

Candidate Profile: Lindsey Graham

South Carolina senator and retired Air Force colonel Lindsey Graham officially announced Monday that he will run in the 2016 presidential race, adding his name to the increasingly crowded Republican field. Here are some key facts to know about Graham

Candidate Profile: Martin O’Malley

Former Maryland governor and Baltimore mayor Martin O’Malley announced Saturday that he will enter the 2016 presidential race, becoming the third Democratic hopeful to officially declare his candidacy. Here are some key facts to know about O’Malley:

Candidate Profile: Rick Santorum

Former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum announced his candidacy for the 2016 presidential election on Wednesday, bringing the runner-up from the 2012 Republican primaries officially into the race. Here’s what you need to know about Santorum:

Features Of The Obama Presidential Library

Barack Obama announced Tuesday that his presidential library will be built on the South Side of Chicago, with construction on the ambitious project due for completion by 2020 or 2021. Here are some features the new library will contain

What Is A Super PAC?

The result of two controversial 2010 federal court cases removing traditional restrictions on political action committee spending, super PACs are expected to have a significant influence on the results of the 2016 elections. Here is everything you need to know about super PACs

Candidate Profile: Mike Huckabee

Former Arkansas governor and Fox News personality Mike Huckabee announced his 2016 presidential candidacy Tuesday, becoming the sixth Republican hopeful to officially enter the race. Here’s what you need to know about Huckabee

Who Is Ben Carson?

Retired neurosurgeon and rising conservative star Ben Carson announced his bid for the presidency Monday, the first African-American candidate of either major political party to do so. Here’s what you need to know about the Republican candidate:

Who Is Carly Fiorina?

Carly Fiorina, a former Silicon Valley executive, announced Monday her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, becoming the first female Republican hopeful to officially launch a campaign. Here’s what you should know about Fiorina:

Who Is Bernie Sanders?

Independent Vermont senator and self-proclaimed “democratic socialist” Bernie Sanders officially declared his candidacy in the 2016 election Thursday.

Who Is Marco Rubio?

Following similar announcements by Ted Cruz and Rand Paul, Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) has become the third GOP candidate to declare his bid in the 2016 presidential race.

Hillary Clinton To Nation: ‘Do Not Fuck This Up For Me’

WASHINGTON—After several seconds spent sitting motionless and glaring directly into the camera, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reportedly began Sunday’s video announcing her 2016 presidential bid by warning the nation not to fuck th...

Candidate Profile: Hillary Clinton

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is expected to officially announce her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election on Sunday, putting an end to months of speculation about her plans.

Who Is Rand Paul?

Kentucky senator Rand Paul announced Tuesday his plans to run for president in 2016, with the libertarian becoming the second Republican to officially declare his candidacy.

Gerrymandering Mishap Leaves Nation Without Any Borders Whatsoever

U.S. In Chaos After All District, State, National Boundaries Erased Overnight

WASHINGTON—Urging calm after citizens awoke to find the country’s political boundaries had disappeared completely, authorities announced Thursday that a devastating gerrymandering blunder had left the United States devoid of any district, stat...

Who Is Ted Cruz?

Texas senator Ted Cruz announced Monday that he will run for president in 2016, becoming the first Republican politician to officially declare his candidacy.

U.S. Worried About Living Up To Netanyahu Campaign Promises

WASHINGTON—Saying the Likud Party leader had set Israeli citizens’ expectations extremely high in the run up to his reelection Tuesday, top-level sources expressed their worry Wednesday about whether the United States would actually be able to...

A Timeline Of U.S.-Israel Relations

A congressional visit from Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu that has reportedly rankled President Obama is the latest issue in what have often been strained diplomatic ties between the two countries.

Keystone Veto Buys Environment At Least 3 Or 4 More Hours

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the numerous ecological benefits of blocking the proposed legislation, experts confirmed Wednesday that President Obama’s decision to veto the Keystone XL pipeline bill should buy the environment an additional three or f...

Obama’s Plan For Fighting Extremism

President Obama spoke before gathered world leaders this week at a summit on extremism, discussing the root causes of such violence, weighing options for combating terrorist groups like ISIS and Boko Haram, and laying out a plan for curbing attacks.

Fact-Checking The State Of The Union Address

Addressing issues ranging from income inequality and tax reform to trade agreements and the Cuba embargo, President Obama offered arguments for a wide range of policy proposals in last night’s State of the Union.

First-Term Congressman Brings Fresh Roadblocks To Table

WASHINGTON—Praising the bold new perspective he has introduced to Congress since being sworn in last week, sources said Monday that first-term representative Barry Loudermilk (R-GA) has already brought a host of fresh roadblocks to the table.

The GOP’s Legislative Agenda

With the GOP formally taking control of Congress today following victories in November’s midterm elections, House and Senate Republicans are in a strong position to push their legislative agenda.

Schlubs From U.S., China Meet In Lowest-Level Talks

BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA—In an effort to strengthen diplomatic ties between the global superpowers’ most oafish representatives, sources confirmed Thursday that schlubs from the United States and China met in Australia this week for a series of low...

How Obama's Immigration Plan Would Work

President Obama has announced that he will take a series of executive actions to protect up to 5 million undocumented immigrants from deportation and help pave the way for those living in the country illegally to become U.S. citizens. Here is a step-by-step look at the president’s plan

Biden Tossed Out Of Car Passing By White House

WASHINGTON—At approximately 2 a.m. Thursday morning, White House sources confirmed that Vice President Joe Biden was forcibly pushed out the rear door of a moving 1980 Lincoln Town Car onto the curb outside 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Republicans Poised To Retain Control Of Senate

WASHINGTON—With precincts reporting GOP victories in key midterm election races nationwide, Beltway sources confirmed Tuesday that the Republican Party is poised to retain its complete control of the U.S.

The Onion’s Guide To Voting

Midterm elections are taking place today, with 36 Senate spots, all 435 House seats, and thousands of local posts to be decided at ballot boxes across the country.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holiday

Entertainment

Rumsfeld Leaves Most Recent Job Off Resumé

ST. MICHAELS, MD—A resumé apparently written by Donald Rumsfeld that omits his position as Defense Secretary in the current Bush administration was leaked to the press Monday, approximately one month after his departure from the post.

The resumé lists Rumsfeld's most recent position as chairman of the biopharmaceutical firm Gilead Sciences, from which he resigned in 2001.

Dated Jan. 2007, the resumé was distributed at D.C.–area offices, think tanks, lecture agencies, and high-end department stores. It emphasizes Rumsfeld's pre-War On Terror job experience, leaving recipients to wonder why he neglected to cite his most recent and recognizable credential.

Rumsfeld's Resumé

"It's a very notable work history as is, but I'm not sure why he chose to stress his cofounding of the Japanese–American Inter-Parliamentary Council as much as he did," said Crystal Hopewell, Director of Human Resources for Nordstrom, Inc. "Perhaps to demonstrate that he could work well with others?"

Contacted for comment at the phone number listed on the resumé, the former defense secretary said that he wanted to present a "well-rounded" account of his lengthy career, not an "exhaustive list of every last little thing [he] had ever done."

"Certain decisions were made to ensure success in my job search," said Rumsfeld, who evidently believed that employers would be more impressed by his year-long stint as a member of the National Economic Commission than his previous position in which he was sixth in the U.S. line of presidential succession. "I felt that, in today's job market, the administrative work I did in the 1950s for several congressmen would be especially resonant. Employers these days are looking for practical, versatile skills, not flashy titles."

"'Defense Secretary? Great. Can he type 85 words per minute?' That's what they're thinking," Rumsfeld added.

After including his four terms in Congress, a two-year stint at an investment banking firm in the early 1960s, and all the volunteer work he did in college, Rumsfeld said he simply "ran out of room" to mention the high-ranking Cabinet position. Instead, the second-longest-serving Defense Secretary in history only indirectly addresses the past six years under the "Skills" portion of the resumé, touting his extensive experience with "strategic policy, international conflict management, and PowerPoint." He also mentions several awards he won in 2003.

 "I'm used to working long hours, multitasking, and extensive travel, particularly in the Middle East," Rumsfeld said. "What more does an employer need to know? He's just looking for the most important points, anyway. Where I'll really sell him is in the interview."

 "What's most important about the last six years is that I discovered what I definitely don't want to be doing," Rumsfeld continued.

Though he has yet to receive any responses to the more than 50 resumés he has hand-delivered over the past month, Rumsfeld remains convinced that his job summary "covered the most important bases."

"I had already included my previous Defense Secretary stint in the '70s, and I thought another mention would be redundant," said Rumsfeld, who also believed the two peacetime years he spent under President Ford better illustrate his more "transferable" skills, such as increasing a budget by 5 percent and maintaining a relationship with China. "I'm not going to put down every president I worked for. Best to keep it to one page."

"Why is no one talking about the strength of my cover letter, which I customized for each company?" Rumsfeld added.

After leaving the high-ranking Pentagon position in December, Rumsfeld reportedly asked friends around Washington to "keep their eyes peeled" for job openings as he began "pounding the pavement" on K Street in search of prospective employers. He bought a new suit in anticipation of upcoming interviews, and started perusing his Princeton alumni directory and Monster.com for leads.

"I've got a lot of feelers out there," Rumsfeld said. "When [employers] see the recommendation letters I've received from my college professors and my various Eagle Scout honors, I'll have my pick of great positions."

Rumsfeld added that if he does not receive a satisfactory offer by next fall, he may have to consider using President Bush as a reference.

Next Story