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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Running Back Finds Self In Alternate Universe After Offensive Line Opens Up Black Hole

PITTSBURGH—The Steelers' Rashard Mendenhall has been stranded in a neighboring space-time continuum after particularly solid blocking by guard Ramon Foster and tackle Flozell Adams opened up a massive black hole in the Jets defense, which Mendenhall ran through for a huge interdimensional gain Sunday. "We're particularly concerned about his health due to the gravitic flux that discharges across the black hole's event horizon," said head coach Mike Tomlin, who called a time-out when Mendenhall translated out of our universe and sent the team's medical staff to wait at the edge of the singularity's accretion disc, but to no avail. "All we can do now is wait and hope that the alternate Steelers playing on the O-line in that version of Heinz Field can open up a hole big enough to bring him home." Although NFL rules state that the yardage gained on trans-dimensional plays is considered infinite, any gain by Mendenhall was wiped out by a holding call on center Doug Legursky.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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