adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Running Back Finds Self In Alternate Universe After Offensive Line Opens Up Black Hole

PITTSBURGH—The Steelers' Rashard Mendenhall has been stranded in a neighboring space-time continuum after particularly solid blocking by guard Ramon Foster and tackle Flozell Adams opened up a massive black hole in the Jets defense, which Mendenhall ran through for a huge interdimensional gain Sunday. "We're particularly concerned about his health due to the gravitic flux that discharges across the black hole's event horizon," said head coach Mike Tomlin, who called a time-out when Mendenhall translated out of our universe and sent the team's medical staff to wait at the edge of the singularity's accretion disc, but to no avail. "All we can do now is wait and hope that the alternate Steelers playing on the O-line in that version of Heinz Field can open up a hole big enough to bring him home." Although NFL rules state that the yardage gained on trans-dimensional plays is considered infinite, any gain by Mendenhall was wiped out by a holding call on center Doug Legursky.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close