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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Rupert Murdoch, Donald Trump, Idi Amin, Joseph Stalin Celebrate Heat Victory

KAMPALA, REPUBLIC OF UGANDA—Calling themselves the Miami Heat’s biggest fans and saying that the team embodies everything they love, billionaires Rupert Murdoch and Donald Trump, former Ugandan president and mass murderer Idi Amin, and Joseph Stalin celebrated the Heat’s Game 7 victory over the Spurs Thursday. “Let’s go Heat!” shouted Stalin, who perpetrated the Ukrainian Genocide while serving as the leader of the Soviet Union, cheering the Miami victory with fellow diehard Heat fans Slobodan Milosevic, Kenneth Lay, Joseph Goebbels, Barry Bonds, Pol Pot, Robert McNamara, Jerry Bruckheimer, and Vlad the Impaler—all of whom were wearing LeBron James jerseys. “They went out there and did what they had to do to win. We love this team!” At press time, Satan had burst through the door, screamed “We did it!” and proceeded to spray champagne on everyone.

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