adBlockCheck

Rupert Murdoch, Donald Trump, Idi Amin, Joseph Stalin Celebrate Heat Victory

Top Headlines

Sports

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Rupert Murdoch, Donald Trump, Idi Amin, Joseph Stalin Celebrate Heat Victory

KAMPALA, REPUBLIC OF UGANDA—Calling themselves the Miami Heat’s biggest fans and saying that the team embodies everything they love, billionaires Rupert Murdoch and Donald Trump, former Ugandan president and mass murderer Idi Amin, and Joseph Stalin celebrated the Heat’s Game 7 victory over the Spurs Thursday. “Let’s go Heat!” shouted Stalin, who perpetrated the Ukrainian Genocide while serving as the leader of the Soviet Union, cheering the Miami victory with fellow diehard Heat fans Slobodan Milosevic, Kenneth Lay, Joseph Goebbels, Barry Bonds, Pol Pot, Robert McNamara, Jerry Bruckheimer, and Vlad the Impaler—all of whom were wearing LeBron James jerseys. “They went out there and did what they had to do to win. We love this team!” At press time, Satan had burst through the door, screamed “We did it!” and proceeded to spray champagne on everyone.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close