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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Rural South Dakotan Walks Away From First Encounter With Jewish Man, Shaken But Unharmed

SELBY, SD—According to local resident Hank Tyson's firsthand account, the 51-year-old service-shop owner was left rattled but unharmed Wednesday after engaging in small talk with a man who turned out to be Jewish. "It seemed like any other conversation at first, but once I realized he was Jewish, I could feel my blood pressure go up and everything started moving in slow motion," said Tyson, claiming the sequence of events that followed "felt like some kind of awful dream," from the man's subtle gesturing to his repeated questions about how to get to I-94. "You never think anything like this will happen to you until it does." Following the encounter, Tyson drove home, kissed his wife, and told his children he loved them.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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