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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Rural South Dakotan Walks Away From First Encounter With Jewish Man, Shaken But Unharmed

SELBY, SD—According to local resident Hank Tyson's firsthand account, the 51-year-old service-shop owner was left rattled but unharmed Wednesday after engaging in small talk with a man who turned out to be Jewish. "It seemed like any other conversation at first, but once I realized he was Jewish, I could feel my blood pressure go up and everything started moving in slow motion," said Tyson, claiming the sequence of events that followed "felt like some kind of awful dream," from the man's subtle gesturing to his repeated questions about how to get to I-94. "You never think anything like this will happen to you until it does." Following the encounter, Tyson drove home, kissed his wife, and told his children he loved them.

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