Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican. “God bless you, Mr. Trump!” said Vincenzo Endrizzi, an ordained pastor from the blue-collar Southern archdiocese of Lecce, who was clad in a well-worn cassock dirtied from spending hard hours leading worship and who was seen sipping sacramental wine from a koozie while holding up a handmade sign denouncing the “Holy See deep state.” “We need leaders like you to take on the blasphemous bureaucrats. We’ll get rid of this cuck pope real quick and put a maverick in the papal apartment!” At press time, a number of the archbishops, many of whom were heard shouting slurs against the Eastern Orthodox Church, had begun clashing with a group of younger cosmopolitan deacons who had gathered outside the Sistine Chapel to protest the president’s visit.

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