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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Rush Limbaugh Tucks Shirt Back In Following Animated Flat Tax Rant

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—While ferociously laying into what he calls the "liberal jihad against the flat tax," conservative pundit and talk radio host Rush Limbaugh dislodged his shirt from the waistband of his pants Tuesday, leaving it to flap wildly about his midsection for the rest of his impassioned four-minute tirade. "Hrrp—hrrp," a panting Limbaugh said before sitting back down, wiping off the microphone, and taking a moment to swallow the thick, viscous phlegm he had inadvertently dislodged during the heated monologue. "It just defies all logic how—hhugh.... Is that blood?" On the advice of his producer, Limbaugh quickly drank a glass of water and ate a banana before addressing Obama's failed commerce secretary appointees.

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