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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Russell Athletic Sheepishly Introduces New Cup

BOWLING GREEN, KY—Claiming that "today's more active athlete needs better protection for his, well, come on, you know," sports equipment manufacturer Russell Athletic debuted its new line of protective cups and athletic supporters Monday.

"It's lightweight, it's breathable, and it can disseminate the shock of a 95 mph fastball to your, uh, to your person," bashful Russell Athletic spokesman Harold Feiniger told an assembled group of colleagues, reporters, and sports retailers. "It's, you know, a really good cup that you'll want to wear. Okay?"

Throughout the 45-minute product launch, a coy Feiniger barely made eye contact with the audience as he clicked hastily through a PowerPoint presentation showcasing the new cup's computer-designed venting, special kinetic-energy-dissipating form factor, and comfortable lining. When graphics depicting the cup being worn by a model were displayed behind him, he remained mostly silent, occasionally saying, "That's not me, okay?" and "I didn't take those pictures, either."

Feiniger was at his most sheepish when talking about how the cup was designed with an eye toward hygiene and convenience.

"The odor-fighting antibacterial coating is important because, well, I mean, it can smell down there. That's just a fact. You know that. I don't need to tell you that. Sweat builds up and it smells," Feiniger said. "And you know how some have that belt thing? This one doesn't have that. You just sort of put your, um, your deal all in there and it'll stay."

"Is it hot in here?" Feiniger continued. "It feels hot."

Though Russell representatives acknowledged they first realized a new cup was necessary when they found that 50 percent fewer athletes were wearing protection for "that area" than they were 10 years ago, company officials said they really did not want to talk about how they came by that data. Other sources at Russell confirmed that an increasing number of male consumers have reported that being struck in their "um, uh, lower-middle-region part of the body? Yes, there" during athletic activity is a major concern for them.

"Men complained that other athletic supporters would dig into their, would dig into their, well, that they would dig into them," said Gary Barfield, executive vice president of Russell. "They also said they wanted increased mobility, because an athlete moves from side to side a lot and most cups failed to accommodate their, sort of, dangling…. Let's just say we've taken every bodily thing into consideration."

Members of the research and development team that designed the new cup either refused to be interviewed for this story or were giggling too uncontrollably to comment.

While Russell is planning a rather understated media blitz to introduce the new product, including radio, TV, and Internet ads, it has not yet decided on the exact content of the promotions.

"We'll probably focus on the fact that it comes in four colors, because, yeah, it comes in colors," Russell marketing head Josh Andreico said. "And in the commercials we'll maybe say something like, 'It comes in four colors but never black-and-blue,' or something funny like that. Or we'll stress how important this thing is to your, the health of your, your things."

"Probably we'll just go with the colors," Andreico added.

Feiniger also took reporters' questions, including queries as to whether the new cup required any special "preparation," whether it "like needs, like soaking or anything," and whether it is "worn, as in used, I mean, the same as other, you know, cups."

In conclusion, Feiniger stressed that the key to Russell's new athletic supporter was comfort, not just on the field of play but also in terms of actually purchasing the product.

"You know how there's the whole thing with going to the store, and you have to pick out a size?" Feiniger said. "You don't want to stand in front of the rack in case someone comes in and you're there and he's there and you're there and he's…. We'll mostly be selling them on the Internet is what I'm trying to say."

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