Russell Wilson

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.


Russell Wilson

Quarterback, Seattle Seahawks

Strengths: Ability to evade Browns during 2012 Draft; As he’s only played in NFL for two years, still has life expectancy in the high 50s; Very active in the pocket community; Combines elusiveness with intelligence to avoid stupid conversations about his height

Weakness: Too short to be an NFL quarterback

Skill: Keeps eyes downfield to avoid seeing his head coach jumping around like a fucking lunatic

Team: Seattle Seabirds

Secret: Thinks the “Legion of Boom” is the dumbest fucking thing he’s ever heard

Catchphrase: “I am quarterback Russell Wilson”

NEXT: Marshawn Lynch