Russell Wilson

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Russell Wilson

Quarterback, Seattle Seahawks

Strengths: Ability to evade Browns during 2012 Draft; As he’s only played in NFL for two years, still has life expectancy in the high 50s; Very active in the pocket community; Combines elusiveness with intelligence to avoid stupid conversations about his height

Weakness: Too short to be an NFL quarterback

Skill: Keeps eyes downfield to avoid seeing his head coach jumping around like a fucking lunatic

Team: Seattle Seabirds

Secret: Thinks the “Legion of Boom” is the dumbest fucking thing he’s ever heard

Catchphrase: “I am quarterback Russell Wilson”

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