Russell Wilson

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Vol 50 Issue 04

Girl Scouts Introduce Gluten-Free Cookies

In an effort to better accommodate those with gluten intolerance, a number of Girl Scout troops around the country will sell a gluten-free version of their chocolate chip shortbread cookie.

Huskies Unstoppable During Cold-Weather Puppy Bowl

NEW YORK—Overcoming frigid temperatures and biting winds, a team of husky puppies overpowered and trounced the opposition Sunday during Puppy Bowl X, the first ever cold-weather Puppy Bowl. As temperatures dropped into the low twenties, puppies atte...

Seahawks vs. Broncos

The Seahawks battle the Broncos in a game that players will be treating like the Super Bowl. Onion Sports examines what each team must do to win.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Russell Wilson

Quarterback, Seattle Seahawks

Strengths: Ability to evade Browns during 2012 Draft; As he’s only played in NFL for two years, still has life expectancy in the high 50s; Very active in the pocket community; Combines elusiveness with intelligence to avoid stupid conversations about his height

Weakness: Too short to be an NFL quarterback

Skill: Keeps eyes downfield to avoid seeing his head coach jumping around like a fucking lunatic

Team: Seattle Seabirds

Secret: Thinks the “Legion of Boom” is the dumbest fucking thing he’s ever heard

Catchphrase: “I am quarterback Russell Wilson”

NEXT: Marshawn Lynch

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