Russia Reiterates Zero-Tolerance Policy For Terrorists, Hostages

Top Headlines


Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Russia Reiterates Zero-Tolerance Policy For Terrorists, Hostages

MOSCOW (Sept. 3)—In response to the ongoing hostage situation at a middle school in the town of Beslan in North Ossetia, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin firmly reiterated his nation's hard-line policy against terrorists and their hostages Tuesday.

Russian troops prepare to storm the school.

"Russia does not tolerate terrorism," Putin announced at a press conference. "We deal with terrorists swiftly and completely. This is a warning to terrorists, hostages, rescue workers, bystanders...all those involved in terrorist activities: You will be shown no mercy."

The situation in the southern Russian town of Beslan began Wednesday when armed multinational terrorists stormed a small school on the first day of classes, taking more than 1,200 teachers, children, and parents hostage.

Now, on the third day of the conflict, Russian security forces await the command to terminate the standoff.

"The Russian government will not accede to the terrorists' demands, nor will it be swayed by hostage pleas for mercy," Putin said. "Without the parents and children as hostages, the terrorists would be powerless. Anyone who assists terrorist monsters—in any capacity—is an enemy to the Russian people and will be treated as such."

Putin first publicly announced the country's anti-terrorist stance in October 2002, when 40 Chechen terrorists seized a crowded Moscow theater, taking more than 700 hostages and demanding the withdrawal of Russian forces from Chechnya. In accordance with Russia's zero-tolerance policy, government forces from Russia's elite Spetsnaz commando unit of the Federal Security Service pumped an aerosol anaesthetic into the theater, killing all of the terrorists and 128 of the hostages.

"The Moscow theater crisis was a perfect example of my willingness to do everything necessary to battle terrorists," Putin said. "As prime minister, my first job is to keep the Russian people safe. Terrorists want to destroy Russia, but we will not let them. Make no mistake: Terrorists—and those who happen to be near them—will meet with a swift, terrible end."

Although Russian laws limit press coverage of terrorist incidents, citizens who do know about the ongoing crisis have applauded Putin's hardline stance.

"To ensure the stability of our country, we need to take a firm stance against terrorists," said Tamara Dmitriyevna, a professor at Rostov State University. "Yes, we can play intellectual games and draw parallels between Putin and Stalin, but any citizen who is not currently being held hostage will tell you that there is an openness and an honesty in Russia that never existed before. Citizens are not being killed secretly anymore."

Although many international leaders have criticized the Russian government's position, President Bush released a statement commending Putin for his leadership in the war on terror.

"The enemies of freedom have no friend in Vladimir Putin," Bush's statement read. "He goes to any means necessary to protect his people and make the world a safer place. As the world knows, you are either with us or with the terrorists. God help those who are with the terrorists."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close