adBlockCheck

International

Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.
End Of Section
  • More News

Russian Man Recalls Oppressive Days Under Communism When No One Could Speak Freely Or Protest Government

Russian citizen Alexei Suslov talks about a dark time in Russia’s history where people were persecuted by the government just for being different.
Russian citizen Alexei Suslov talks about a dark time in Russia’s history where people were persecuted by the government just for being different.

MOSCOW—Saying he was pleased to be living in a hopeful, post-communist age, Russian man Alexei Suslov, 62, recalled today a harsher, more oppressive period in his country’s history when Russian citizens were unable to protest their government for fear of getting arrested by authorities.

Suslov went into great depth about how, prior to becoming a democratic state, Russia was essentially ruled by harsh dictators and run by an abusive government that restricted the rights of its citizens and wouldn’t let them express their own thoughts and beliefs.

Thankfully, he said, that’s all changed.

“It was a very different time back then,” said Suslov, painting an image of an oppressive totalitarian regime where millions of citizens were victims of political oppression and faced severe consequences for assembling and speaking out against restrictive policies. “People used to live in fear of those in charge of their own country. Can you imagine? You wouldn’t be able to criticize any law without worrying for your own life.”

“In fact, if anyone said anything about any policy—even ones that affected them personally—they could be beaten by police forces and maybe even sent to prison,” Suslov continued. “The idea of living in such a place now, with such backward laws and such clear offenses to basic human rights, seems crazy to me. Especially after all we went through.”

Suslov, who said the past is past and that he’s happy Russia is now an enlightened member of the world community, told reporters there was a time when legislation was vaguely written solely so authorities could find loopholes in the language, thus allowing them to legally disenfranchise minority groups.

Suslov noted that prior to Russia becoming a nation that respects the beliefs of others and welcomes healthy debate when it comes to governance, it wasn’t unusual to see officers in the Soviet police physically assault people for peacefully protesting any facet of these laws.

“Our government enforced policies that were intended to harm and intimidate people,” said Suslov, adding that the Russia of 1963 was much different than the Russia of 2013. “And these people weren’t lawbreakers. They were just people living their lives, people wanting basic freedoms. The government just didn’t like that they acted differently or thought differently.”

“It sounds arbitrarily cruel, abusive, and downright tyrannical, and it was,” Suslov added. “As someone who lived through it, I’m just glad Russians born after the fall of the Soviet Union will only have to read about this blatant disregard for human dignity in their history books.”

Suslov went on to tell reporters that he wakes up each and every morning happy that he can live his life how he wants without ever having to worry about being persecuted.

“My children and grandchildren can spend the rest of their lives living in a much different Russia than I grew up in,” Suslov said. “I mean, just 25 years ago we were under Communist rule, and now we have a parliament, a free press to keep everyone honest, and a president we’ve fairly elected three times.”

Added Suslov: “Honestly, it’s just a relief to know that things can eventually change for the better.”

More from this section

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close