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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.
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Russian Officials Promise Low Death Toll For Olympics

SOCHI, RUSSIA—Leading up Friday’s opening ceremonies, officials for the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi promised low death tolls for the games, assuring that fatalities would be at an acceptable level. “With an international event on this grand of a scale, casualties are inevitable,” said President of Russia Vladimir Putin, boasting that the winter games have had far fewer deaths than organizers anticipated since athletes began arriving in Sochi. “We are preparing for a completely reasonable amount of mishaps with the torch, mysterious disappearances, and collapsed stadiums.” While Putin did not want to entertain the notion of fatalities exceeding the tolerable threshold, he did offer assurance that the surrounding region had plenty of space available for mass graves.

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