Russian Officials Promise Low Death Toll For Olympics

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Vol 50 Issue 05

Fun Sticker Placed On Child's Ventilator

Fifty-seven women are stoned to death during the annual Riyadh fashion week, a frantic Biden searches a dog shelter for a Bo look-alike, and a fun sticker is placed on a child’s ventilator.

Report: It Too Soon To Glance Back At Attractive Person

PORTLAND—Citing the fact that you just made eye contact with her and doing so again right away might come across as creepy, a new report released today has confirmed that it’s still too soon to glance back at the attractive person behind you.

International Olympians To Watch

With the 2014 Winter Olympics underway in Sochi, Russia, Onion Sports provides a comprehensive guide to the most exciting international athletes.
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Russian Officials Promise Low Death Toll For Olympics

SOCHI, RUSSIA—Leading up Friday’s opening ceremonies, officials for the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi promised low death tolls for the games, assuring that fatalities would be at an acceptable level. “With an international event on this grand of a scale, casualties are inevitable,” said President of Russia Vladimir Putin, boasting that the winter games have had far fewer deaths than organizers anticipated since athletes began arriving in Sochi. “We are preparing for a completely reasonable amount of mishaps with the torch, mysterious disappearances, and collapsed stadiums.” While Putin did not want to entertain the notion of fatalities exceeding the tolerable threshold, he did offer assurance that the surrounding region had plenty of space available for mass graves.

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