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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Russian Scientists Announce Six-Month Delay In Carving New Space Station

MOSCOW—Citing safety concerns as well as the importance of proper craftsmanship, Russian Space Agency officials announced Tuesday a delay of at least six months before carving is completed on the newest Russian space station.

Russian Space Agency director-general Yuri Koptev answers reporters' questions about splitting and warping on the new Russian space station.

"The two-by-four frame which forms the station's primary airlock is still in the clamps and hasn't even been sanded yet," said Russian Space Agency director-general Yuri Koptev, explaining the delay. "There are also a number of key navigational instruments which we have not yet begun to whittle."

Originally scheduled for completion this month, the new station ran into difficulties on June 2, when several nails came loose during a routine docking exercise, resulting in an explosion that destroyed the space station's guidance system and badly injured cosmonaut Nikolai Budarin. The malfunction, which also caused serious damage to the station's steering thruster, was traced to faulty hammering.

"The nails were not hammered in straight," Koptev said. "We will pull them all out and do it again."

Another major setback occurred just two days later, when a pair of vagrants jimmied open the lock on the space station's main entry hatch and spent the night in it.

Russian aerospace engineer Aleksandr Kirov installs software on the new space station's mainframe computer.

"They urinated all over the place," chief engineer Talgat Musabayev said. "This created serious problems, as the floor had not yet been varnished and sealed, so the urine soaked through and caused a terrible smell. I cannot go in the space station now without covering my nose."

Musabayev said the agency has requested $3 in additional funding from the Russian government to purchase a pine-scented bathroom spray to combat the urine odor, but the request has not yet been approved.

Despite his frustration, Koptev said the setbacks have taught Russian Space Agency officials much about the construction and maintenance of space environments, knowledge which will help them greatly in future missions. "We may decide to work with clay in the future, so that even if we make many mistakes, we can correct them before the final firing," he said.

Another breakthrough for the Russian team was last week's discovery of rigid, circular devices that facilitate the transportation of heavy items. "We used to carry all of our components many miles to the space center in our arms," Koptev said. "But now, by affixing these round devices to boxes and baskets, we can transport items with far greater ease."

For reasons of national security, Koptev declined to elaborate on the specifics of the device.

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