Russia's Closest Friends Ready To Try Military Intervention

In This Section

Vol 36 Issue 35

Congolese Civil War Buff Fights In Civil War

BRAZZAVILLE, CONGO–Jean-Pierre Uyoya, a longtime Congolese Civil War enthusiast, was excited to enlist in the Congolese Liberation Movement army Monday. "I can't wait to participate in my first Civil War enactment," said Uyoya, polishing up his authentic 1999-era Uzi. "I've been a huge Congolese Civil War buff ever since it started in 1997." On Friday, Uyoya's army unit will march north for a historically accurate ambush of the Hutu-controlled village of Gemena.

Early-Morning Jogger Pities Everyone Still Sleeping

OCEANSIDE, CA–During her daily four-mile, 5 a.m. run, jogger Andrea Kallen expressed pity for all the people still in their soft, warm beds Tuesday. "I cannot understand how anyone would choose to be conked out during the most glorious time of the entire day," said Kallen, 25, straining up a hill as the sky turned from a dark cobalt blue to purple. "I feel so bad for all those poor people who are missing out on this just to get an extra four or five hours of sleep."

Eighth-Grader Drinks At Twelfth-Grade Level

CARLSBAD, NM–Joshua Halley, an eighth-grader at Millvale Middle School, consumes alcohol at a 12th-grade level, sources reported Monday. "This precocious youngster shows a drinking aptitude far beyond that of the average 13-year-old," Millvale principal Charles Meckler said. "Beer, wine, vodka, whiskey–Joshua can handle them all." Meckler said that upon high-school graduation, Halley can expect a full scholarship from his choice of the nation's top party schools.

Area Man Could Have Sworn Randy Newman Sang Welcome Back, Kotter Theme

SPRINGFIELD, MO–Television viewer Michael Grigg was stunned to learn Monday that Lovin' Spoonful frontman John Sebastian, not Randy Newman, composed and sang the Welcome Back, Kotter theme song. "Seriously? John Sebastian?" Grigg said upon being informed by friend Brian Richards while watching the popular '70s sitcom on Nick At Nite. "God, I would have bet money that it was Randy Newman. Especially with the piano and everything." Added an incredulous Grigg: "You have to admit, it sounds a lot more like 'Short People' than 'Do You Believe In Magic?'"

Fame Sexually Transmitted

LONDON–Guy Ritchie, Madonna's British boyfriend, has sexually contracted fame from the pop superstar, Ritchie's physician confirmed Monday. "It would appear that Mr. Ritchie, a previously obscure director with just two films to his credit, has become famous through sexual contact with Madonna," Dr. Ian Woolsey-Lodge said. "As a fame carrier himself, he now can be found on Entertainment Tonight and in People magazine, even when not with Madonna." Woolsey-Lodge said Ritchie forever runs the risk of any future offspring being born famous.

Bush Vows To Do 'That Thing Gore Just Said, Only Better'

BOSTON–Responding to debate opponent Al Gore's promise to pay off the national debt in 12 years by devoting $2 of projected surpluses toward debt reduction for every $1 used for tax cuts, George W. Bush vowed to do "that thing Gore just said, only better" during Tuesday's presidential debate. "Yeah, that debt thing," the Republican candidate said during his allotted 90-second rebuttal. "I'm going to do that, but, like, 10 times better." Bush added that, as president, he would "do all that stuff Gore said about education and the environment, but my version would work twice as good."

The Abortion Pill

Last week, the FDA approved the controversial French abortion pill RU-486, permitting non-surgical abortions in the U.S. for the first time and sparking protest from pro-life advocates. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holiday

Advertising

  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Russia's Closest Friends Ready To Try Military Intervention

MOSCOW–Concerned about its rising crime rate, mounting debt, and out-of-control alcoholism, Russia's closest allies are preparing to step in and stage a military intervention on the troubled nation's behalf.

Military-intervention planners Jacques Chirac, Bill Clinton, and Tony Blair prepare to confront Vladimir Putin and his troubled nation.

"Russia is a very, very important country to all of us, and we can't just sit by and watch it destroy itself like this," German chancellor Gerhard Schröder said. "It's time we stepped in."

"We've talked and talked to them for years now, desperately trying to get them to change their self-destructive ways, but nothing we've said has gotten through," British prime minister Tony Blair said. "At this point, I don't think we have any choice but to brew up a pot of coffee, bring in some armored divisions, and force Russia to deal with its problems."

The intervention, which will be led by Germany and include the U.S., France, England, Poland, Hungary, and the Czech Republic, will most likely occur next week, before the harsh Russian winter makes acts of caring difficult for armored vehicles and infantrymen. The intervention's primary objective will be to communicate to Russia, through kind but firm military means, how much it means to the European community, how its problems have been affecting its neighbors, and what its allies want their relationship to be like in the future.

"I really don't think Russia understands how much it hurts my country when it does some of the things it does," Polish president Aleksander Kwasniewski said. "It withholds not only affection and attention, but vast oil and mineral reserves. There was a time when Russia was there for us with foreign aid. We could turn to them for emotional and military support. No more."

"I'm not surprised, though," Kwasniewski continued. "I mean, these last few years, Russia's been letting itself go to hell internally–roads, bridges, the power grid, you name it. How can you take care of others when you can't even take care of yourself?"

Much of the frustration felt by Russia's allies stems from the nation's inability to be self-reliant despite its age, its incredible potential, and the tremendous amount of help it has received over the years.

"I've given Russia something like $8.5 billion in foreign aid and international-relief loans since 1995," President Clinton said. "And what do they do when they get all that money? They devalue the ruble, close up the banks, and then turn around and ask Germany for a few billion more. Where does it all go?"

German troops ready themselves for the intervention.

"Let's just say I have my suspicions," added Clinton, making a drinking motion with his hand.

"Funny how Russia always manages to scrounge up a few bucks when they want to roll into Chechnya and raise a little hell," French president Jacques Chirac said. "Well, I'm not helping them pay for that stuff anymore. And if I have to get together with the boys and go over there myself to put a stop to it, I will."

Organizers of the military intervention say they expect Russia to put up resistance when massed troops appear on its doorstep. They are confident, however, that Russia will eventually come to realize that the intervention is for its own good.

"I can already hear what Russia's going to say," Schröder said. "It's going to be like, 'Hey, I'm making strides. I'm doing better. I took down that wall, I did the whole glasnost and perestroika thing, I even have my own space station. What do you want from me?' It isn't going to be easy."

"We'll just have to use tough love," Schröder added, "and a lot of the T-72 tanks Russia left lying around when it moved out of our place."

Russia's friends are aware that history is not on their side. In recent centuries, numerous interventions have failed to work on the proud, stubborn nation. But despite the poor track record, its friends are confident.

"Yes, many people have gone in there without success," Blair said. "You have to realize, though, that people like Napoleon and Hitler probably didn't have Russia's best interests at heart when they went barging in. If we show Russia that we're doing this because we care, and we can avoid getting bogged down in a winter land campaign, I think we've got a really good shot at winning the country over."

"In this kind of intervention, you never know what's going to happen," Clinton said. "Believe it or not, sometimes when the subject recognizes that you are doing it out of genuine concern and have all of NATO on your side, they agree to change their ways instantly."

"But if that doesn't happen–and we certainly have reason to believe that a big, independent, historically cold country like Russia will try to fight us–we're more than ready for it," Clinton continued. "Russia is dangerous to itself and others right now. If a full-scale military occupation is what it takes to save Russia from itself, that's what we're going to do."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More