Supreme Court

Teens Throwing Rocks At Overgrown, Long-Vacant Supreme Court Seat

WASHINGTON—Trading legends they had heard about the old chair as they gathered together a safe distance from the abandoned, dilapidated structure, a group of neighborhood teens reportedly stopped while passing through Capitol Hill this afternoon and spent several minutes throwing rocks at the heavily overgrown, long-vacant Supreme Court seat.

Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.
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Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark. “They basically pay me $12 an hour just to sit in a chair and work on my tan all day—not to mention flirt with the hotties—so what’s not to like?” said Ginsburg, 84, slathering sunscreen on her bare arms as she noted that while it could get a little stressful watching over the “little shits running wild” in the Kiddie Cove area, it was otherwise “pretty chill” and far better than being stuck inside all day while court was in session. “Plus, employees get half-off at the snack bar, and after work we all just go drinking or hang out in the parking lot getting fucking blazed. I’ve also been hooking up with this other lifeguard, Hunter. I hope he keeps working here during break when he goes off to college next year, but, if not, this place is crawling with studs.” Ginsburg went on to say that she definitely has a more fun off-season job than Justice Breyer, who reportedly caddies for rich assholes that never fucking tip.

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