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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Rwanda Gets Plant

KIGALI, RWANDA—Wracked by years of famine, ethnic strife and political unrest, the Central African nation of Rwanda bought a plant last Thursday in an effort to "brighten things up."

Rwandan refugees enjoy the cheery new fuchsia (center) that is breathing some much-needed life into the war-torn African nation.

"This should help breathe some life into this nation and put a smile on everyone's face," Rwandan president Pasteur Bizimungu said of the new fuchsia. "It is a very pretty plant."

The decision to purchase the plant followed a week-long emergency session in which cabinet members, military strategists and tribal representatives debated the best way to restore Rwanda's struggling economy and revive the flagging spirits of its seven million famine-ravaged citizens.

"The Minister of Defense suggested painting the country pink, and the prime minister suggested new curtains," Bizimungu said. "Someone eventually suggested the plant, and we all unanimously agreed."

Though support for the plant purchase was universal, the nation was sharply divided over what type of plant it would be: The nation's Hutus strongly advocated the purchase of a begonia, while Tutsis favored an impatiens, touching off a week of plant-related civil warfare in which more than 200,000 Rwandans were brutally massacred. After a week of fighting, the two sides finally compromised, agreeing upon the fuchsia.

On Wednesday, after several days of phone calls to flower shops across Africa, Bizimungu finally found one in Cape Town, South Africa, that sold fuchsias. Accompanied by his top minister, Bizimungu flew there the next day to select a plant.

"There was a very nice selection there, and it was difficult to choose," Bizimungu said. "I saw a lovely hanging plant, very green and full of flowers, but unfortunately, there is a terrible hook shortage in Rwanda, so we selected the other one."

The decision over where to put the plant proved difficult, as well. While many wanted the plant positioned near Lake Kivu on the Rwanda-Somalia border, where it could help cheer up the more than 400,000 Rwandan refugees left homeless from years of civil war, prime minister Pierre Claver Rwigema demanded it be situated in Kigali.

"Kigali is the capital of Rwanda," said Rwigema, who declared himself Plant Minister For Life Monday. "That is where our national plant belongs."

Added Rwigema: "I am confident that the people of Rwanda will find plant ownership to be a relaxing and enjoyable hobby."

According to Rwigema, responsibility for caring for the plant will be divided between the Hutus and Tutsis, with members of the two tribes watering it on alternating days. The plant does not need direct sunlight, Rwigema noted, but requires a thorough "soak," ideally in a bathtub, every 10 days. Due to an 18-month drought that has destroyed all of the nation's crops, water for the plant will be imported from Tanzania. Water supplies will also periodically be confiscated from Rwanda's "least thirsty" citizens.

Citizen reaction to the plant has been overwhelmingly positive.

"War has destroyed everything that once was," said Dinizi Akagera, 33. "There is nothing left."

Gisenyi resident Ayinkele Habiyama, 41, was equally impressed. "Please, let me out of here," said Habiyama, who was arrested and thrown into a darkened, solitary, 3'x3' cell by military police after being caught attempting to eat the plant Wednesday. "I need water and sunlight."

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