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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Ryan Braun Desperate To Regain Trust Of Fans Before Cheating Again

MILWAUKEE—Having been recently reinstated after completing a 65-game suspension for violating Major League Baseball’s drug policy, Milwaukee Brewers right fielder Ryan Braun told reporters Thursday he is desperate to win back the trust of baseball fans before he starts cheating again. “First and foremost, I have to rebuild my reputation before I even consider going back to using banned substances,” said the former National League MVP, adding that prior to resuming his use of performance-enhancing drugs, he is intent on proving to millions of fans that he is a clean, honest athlete. “I’ve made some pretty shameful mistakes in the past, but I look at this season as a fresh start and an opportunity to truly earn the support of the great fans in Milwaukee. Then I’ll make them look like total fucking idiots when I get caught using PEDs again and am kicked out of baseball for the rest of my life.” Braun later admitted to reporters that he will continue his mission to rebuild the trust of baseball fans until midway through the season, at which point he will start using steroids again no matter what.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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