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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Ryan Braun Desperate To Regain Trust Of Fans Before Cheating Again

MILWAUKEE—Having been recently reinstated after completing a 65-game suspension for violating Major League Baseball’s drug policy, Milwaukee Brewers right fielder Ryan Braun told reporters Thursday he is desperate to win back the trust of baseball fans before he starts cheating again. “First and foremost, I have to rebuild my reputation before I even consider going back to using banned substances,” said the former National League MVP, adding that prior to resuming his use of performance-enhancing drugs, he is intent on proving to millions of fans that he is a clean, honest athlete. “I’ve made some pretty shameful mistakes in the past, but I look at this season as a fresh start and an opportunity to truly earn the support of the great fans in Milwaukee. Then I’ll make them look like total fucking idiots when I get caught using PEDs again and am kicked out of baseball for the rest of my life.” Braun later admitted to reporters that he will continue his mission to rebuild the trust of baseball fans until midway through the season, at which point he will start using steroids again no matter what.

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