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Sports

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Ryan Braun Desperate To Regain Trust Of Fans Before Cheating Again

MILWAUKEE—Having been recently reinstated after completing a 65-game suspension for violating Major League Baseball’s drug policy, Milwaukee Brewers right fielder Ryan Braun told reporters Thursday he is desperate to win back the trust of baseball fans before he starts cheating again. “First and foremost, I have to rebuild my reputation before I even consider going back to using banned substances,” said the former National League MVP, adding that prior to resuming his use of performance-enhancing drugs, he is intent on proving to millions of fans that he is a clean, honest athlete. “I’ve made some pretty shameful mistakes in the past, but I look at this season as a fresh start and an opportunity to truly earn the support of the great fans in Milwaukee. Then I’ll make them look like total fucking idiots when I get caught using PEDs again and am kicked out of baseball for the rest of my life.” Braun later admitted to reporters that he will continue his mission to rebuild the trust of baseball fans until midway through the season, at which point he will start using steroids again no matter what.

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