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Ryan Braun: 'Never Believe Any Of Us'

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Ryan Braun: 'Never Believe Any Of Us'

MILWAUKEE—In his first statement after receiving a 65-game suspension from baseball, Brewers slugger Ryan Braun called on fans Tuesday to remember that every single word that he or any other baseball player accused of using steroids has ever said publicly is a lie. “Please be aware that nothing we ever say is true, and when I said that I would ‘bet my life’ I didn’t take steroids, you should have stopped right there and assumed that I took them,” said the former NL MVP, who went on to ask fans whether they really believed that someone who narrowly avoided a 50-game ban for elevated testosterone levels on a technicality could be wrongfully incriminated a second time in two years. “If faced with either telling the truth and losing millions of dollars or lying and keeping our millions of dollars, we’re going to choose to betray the confidence and trust of everyone around us. Even when we make a confession, the truth is that we did so in a strategic attempt to prevent you from digging any deeper and discovering the really despicable stuff we did.” Braun concluded his remarks by asking why reporters bothered to write down a single word from his speech since the entire thing was, in all likelihood, also one giant lie.

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