adBlockCheck

Sports

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
End Of Section
  • More News

Ryan Braun: 'Never Believe Any Of Us'

MILWAUKEE—In his first statement after receiving a 65-game suspension from baseball, Brewers slugger Ryan Braun called on fans Tuesday to remember that every single word that he or any other baseball player accused of using steroids has ever said publicly is a lie. “Please be aware that nothing we ever say is true, and when I said that I would ‘bet my life’ I didn’t take steroids, you should have stopped right there and assumed that I took them,” said the former NL MVP, who went on to ask fans whether they really believed that someone who narrowly avoided a 50-game ban for elevated testosterone levels on a technicality could be wrongfully incriminated a second time in two years. “If faced with either telling the truth and losing millions of dollars or lying and keeping our millions of dollars, we’re going to choose to betray the confidence and trust of everyone around us. Even when we make a confession, the truth is that we did so in a strategic attempt to prevent you from digging any deeper and discovering the really despicable stuff we did.” Braun concluded his remarks by asking why reporters bothered to write down a single word from his speech since the entire thing was, in all likelihood, also one giant lie.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close