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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Ryan Braun Not About To Look Like An Idiot By Attempting Diving Catch In Outfield

ST. LOUIS—Saying he wasn’t about to make an idiot out of himself on national television by splaying across the field like some kind of asshole, Milwaukee Brewers left fielder Ryan Braun opted to play a fly ball on a hop Tuesday night instead of “looking stupid” by trying to make a diving catch. “First off, it would have made me look desperate, which is humiliating enough,” Braun said during a postgame press conference, adding that in addition to the embarrassment of potentially missing the fly ball, he would have then had to stand around in front of tens of thousands of people with grass stains on his uniform. “If it’s between saving a run or saving my dignity, I’m going to go with dignity every time.” Braun did however admit it would have been impossible to look dumber than Prince Fielder, who at the time was sitting on first base eating mozzarella sticks out of his pocket.

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