adBlockCheck

Sports

Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
End Of Section
  • More News

Ryan Braun Not About To Look Like An Idiot By Attempting Diving Catch In Outfield

ST. LOUIS—Saying he wasn’t about to make an idiot out of himself on national television by splaying across the field like some kind of asshole, Milwaukee Brewers left fielder Ryan Braun opted to play a fly ball on a hop Tuesday night instead of “looking stupid” by trying to make a diving catch. “First off, it would have made me look desperate, which is humiliating enough,” Braun said during a postgame press conference, adding that in addition to the embarrassment of potentially missing the fly ball, he would have then had to stand around in front of tens of thousands of people with grass stains on his uniform. “If it’s between saving a run or saving my dignity, I’m going to go with dignity every time.” Braun did however admit it would have been impossible to look dumber than Prince Fielder, who at the time was sitting on first base eating mozzarella sticks out of his pocket.

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close