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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Ryan Chugs Down Rhino Horn And Bull Semen Shake For Mid-Debate Boost

DANVILLE, KY—Looking to boost his energy before entering the second half of Thursday night’s vice presidential debate, Republican nominee Paul Ryan took a quick breather around the 40-minute mark to chug a rhino horn and bull semen shake. “Aaaaaahhhh,” Ryan said after throwing back his head and swigging the 20-ounce mixture of shaved black rhinoceros horn, kale, pine nuts, and bovine ejaculate, part of his strict personal diet-and-exercise regimen. “You know, a lot of people never really learn how to feed themselves properly, and that’s a shame. A smoothie like this one helps maximize endurance, shred fat, and fuel your body through an intense workout. It’s a no-brainer, really.” At press time, Ryan was faulting Obama for the attacks on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi while performing three quick jumping-jacks, a one-handed push-up, five yoga poses, and numerous kick-boxing moves.

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