Ryan Chugs Down Rhino Horn And Bull Semen Shake For Mid-Debate Boost

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Vol 48 Issue 41

Taylor Harris

Leukemia sufferer Taylor Harris passed away Sunday afternoon, mere seconds after the Minnesota Vikings and the Make-A-Wish Foundation fulfilled the 9-year-old’s dream of fielding an NFL kickoff.

Secretary Of Interior Decks Smart-Ass Buffalo

LIMON, CO—Saying the 1,800-pound bovine had it coming, Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar decked a wise-ass bison during his recent visit to the Prairie Ridge Buffalo Farm, sources confirmed Saturday. The prick buffalo reportedly exhibited a shit...

Defense Secretary Warns Of Cyber Terrorism

Warning that Internet worms and malware could devastate the U.S. power grid, transportation network, and financial system, Defense Secretary Leon Panetta urged the nation to invest heavily in cyber security to avoid an “electronic Pearl Harbor....

Outfit Just Screams 'Police Officer'

Mr. Autumn Man walks down the street with a cup of coffee, wearing sweater over a plaid collared shirt, the seed of World War III is planted in a Beijing Middle School gym class, and the nation did not see Mark Wahlberg's sex change coming.
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Healthy Living

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Ryan Chugs Down Rhino Horn And Bull Semen Shake For Mid-Debate Boost

DANVILLE, KY—Looking to boost his energy before entering the second half of Thursday night’s vice presidential debate, Republican nominee Paul Ryan took a quick breather around the 40-minute mark to chug a rhino horn and bull semen shake. “Aaaaaahhhh,” Ryan said after throwing back his head and swigging the 20-ounce mixture of shaved black rhinoceros horn, kale, pine nuts, and bovine ejaculate, part of his strict personal diet-and-exercise regimen. “You know, a lot of people never really learn how to feed themselves properly, and that’s a shame. A smoothie like this one helps maximize endurance, shred fat, and fuel your body through an intense workout. It’s a no-brainer, really.” At press time, Ryan was faulting Obama for the attacks on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi while performing three quick jumping-jacks, a one-handed push-up, five yoga poses, and numerous kick-boxing moves.

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