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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Ryan Chugs Down Rhino Horn And Bull Semen Shake For Mid-Debate Boost

DANVILLE, KY—Looking to boost his energy before entering the second half of Thursday night’s vice presidential debate, Republican nominee Paul Ryan took a quick breather around the 40-minute mark to chug a rhino horn and bull semen shake. “Aaaaaahhhh,” Ryan said after throwing back his head and swigging the 20-ounce mixture of shaved black rhinoceros horn, kale, pine nuts, and bovine ejaculate, part of his strict personal diet-and-exercise regimen. “You know, a lot of people never really learn how to feed themselves properly, and that’s a shame. A smoothie like this one helps maximize endurance, shred fat, and fuel your body through an intense workout. It’s a no-brainer, really.” At press time, Ryan was faulting Obama for the attacks on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi while performing three quick jumping-jacks, a one-handed push-up, five yoga poses, and numerous kick-boxing moves.

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