Ryan Handed Romney's Latest Political Positions Before Walking On Stage

In This Section

Vol 48 Issue 41

Taylor Harris

Leukemia sufferer Taylor Harris passed away Sunday afternoon, mere seconds after the Minnesota Vikings and the Make-A-Wish Foundation fulfilled the 9-year-old’s dream of fielding an NFL kickoff.

Secretary Of Interior Decks Smart-Ass Buffalo

LIMON, CO—Saying the 1,800-pound bovine had it coming, Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar decked a wise-ass bison during his recent visit to the Prairie Ridge Buffalo Farm, sources confirmed Saturday. The prick buffalo reportedly exhibited a shit...

Defense Secretary Warns Of Cyber Terrorism

Warning that Internet worms and malware could devastate the U.S. power grid, transportation network, and financial system, Defense Secretary Leon Panetta urged the nation to invest heavily in cyber security to avoid an “electronic Pearl Harbor....

Outfit Just Screams 'Police Officer'

Mr. Autumn Man walks down the street with a cup of coffee, wearing sweater over a plaid collared shirt, the seed of World War III is planted in a Beijing Middle School gym class, and the nation did not see Mark Wahlberg's sex change coming.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Ryan Handed Romney's Latest Political Positions Before Walking On Stage

DANVILLE, KY—Moments before walking onstage for tonight’s vice presidential debate, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) was handed a revised list of his running mate Mitt Romney’s most up-to-date political principles and stances on various issues. “So our agenda no longer includes legislation that would restrict women’s access to abortion, though we do support using an executive order to prohibit federally funded international nonprofits from providing abortion in other countries—got it. Do we still believe health insurance providers should have the right to deny contraceptive coverage? Hold on a sec,” Ryan said to advisers while furiously memorizing the 10-page briefing, the fifth packet of agenda revisions he had received from Romney since noon. “Wait just one minute and okay, okay…done.” According to sources, Ryan’s handlers then shepherded the congressman onto the debate stage, where he greeted his opponent with an expressionless nod.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More