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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Ryan Handed Romney's Latest Political Positions Before Walking On Stage

DANVILLE, KY—Moments before walking onstage for tonight’s vice presidential debate, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) was handed a revised list of his running mate Mitt Romney’s most up-to-date political principles and stances on various issues. “So our agenda no longer includes legislation that would restrict women’s access to abortion, though we do support using an executive order to prohibit federally funded international nonprofits from providing abortion in other countries—got it. Do we still believe health insurance providers should have the right to deny contraceptive coverage? Hold on a sec,” Ryan said to advisers while furiously memorizing the 10-page briefing, the fifth packet of agenda revisions he had received from Romney since noon. “Wait just one minute and okay, okay…done.” According to sources, Ryan’s handlers then shepherded the congressman onto the debate stage, where he greeted his opponent with an expressionless nod.

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