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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Ryan Howard Asks Teammates If They Ever Noticed How Realistic Crowd Looks

PHILADELPHIA—As 40,000 fans filed into Citizen's Bank Park Monday night, Phillies first basemen Ryan Howard took a moment from warmups to ask teammates if they had ever observed the lifelike three-dimensional shapes, high resolution, and realistic sound of the stadium's crowd. "If you look close enough, you can actually see individual people out there," Howard said, adding that when he first started playing baseball, crowds were just a mishmash of blurry colors and the cheering sounded like static from an old TV. "Do you ever hear how the crowd gets loud after a big play and quiet when the game's boring, just like an actual crowd would? In some ballparks, I almost feel like I could reach out and touch them, they look so real." Howard claims to have read that someday soon, announcers will also sound more realistic rather than just repeating prerecorded sentence fragments that are pieced together for specific games.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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