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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Ryan Howard Asks Teammates If They Ever Noticed How Realistic Crowd Looks

PHILADELPHIA—As 40,000 fans filed into Citizen's Bank Park Monday night, Phillies first basemen Ryan Howard took a moment from warmups to ask teammates if they had ever observed the lifelike three-dimensional shapes, high resolution, and realistic sound of the stadium's crowd. "If you look close enough, you can actually see individual people out there," Howard said, adding that when he first started playing baseball, crowds were just a mishmash of blurry colors and the cheering sounded like static from an old TV. "Do you ever hear how the crowd gets loud after a big play and quiet when the game's boring, just like an actual crowd would? In some ballparks, I almost feel like I could reach out and touch them, they look so real." Howard claims to have read that someday soon, announcers will also sound more realistic rather than just repeating prerecorded sentence fragments that are pieced together for specific games.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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