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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Ryan Lochte

Swimming — Daytona Beach, Florida

Strengths: Thanks to obscure loophole, is allowed to use a canoe; powerful bubble-blower

Flaws: Crippled by constant fear of being sucked into pool’s filter

Preferred Places To Finish Behind Michael Phelps: Third, fourth, second

Better known as: Not Michael Phelps, The New Michael Phelps, That Different Swimming Guy

Favorite stroke: Refused to answer out of respect for all strokes

NEXT: Holley Mangold

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