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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Ryan Lochte

Swimming — Daytona Beach, Florida

Strengths: Thanks to obscure loophole, is allowed to use a canoe; powerful bubble-blower

Flaws: Crippled by constant fear of being sucked into pool’s filter

Preferred Places To Finish Behind Michael Phelps: Third, fourth, second

Better known as: Not Michael Phelps, The New Michael Phelps, That Different Swimming Guy

Favorite stroke: Refused to answer out of respect for all strokes

NEXT: Holley Mangold

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