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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Ryan Lochte

Swimming — Daytona Beach, Florida

Strengths: Thanks to obscure loophole, is allowed to use a canoe; powerful bubble-blower

Flaws: Crippled by constant fear of being sucked into pool’s filter

Preferred Places To Finish Behind Michael Phelps: Third, fourth, second

Better known as: Not Michael Phelps, The New Michael Phelps, That Different Swimming Guy

Favorite stroke: Refused to answer out of respect for all strokes

NEXT: Holley Mangold

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