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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Ryan Lochte

Swimming — Daytona Beach, Florida

Strengths: Thanks to obscure loophole, is allowed to use a canoe; powerful bubble-blower

Flaws: Crippled by constant fear of being sucked into pool’s filter

Preferred Places To Finish Behind Michael Phelps: Third, fourth, second

Better known as: Not Michael Phelps, The New Michael Phelps, That Different Swimming Guy

Favorite stroke: Refused to answer out of respect for all strokes

NEXT: Holley Mangold

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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