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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Sacramento Kings Perfectly Execute Throw-Ball-Out-Of-Bounds Play

SAN ANTONIO—Performing with rare efficiency and startling precision, the otherwise struggling Sacramento Kings perfectly executed their offense against the Spurs Friday, when the team ran a flawless throw-the-ball-out-of-bounds play. “John Salmons threw it out to the wing, [Jason] Thompson passes it me, and I send it right over DeMarcus Cousins’ head out of bounds,” said guard Tyreke Evans, who also contributed a textbook shoulder shrug and head shake to the play. “It was a huge confidence builder to have everything go as planned. We might try something more complicated where the center sets a pick, rolls to the left, and I dribble the ball off my foot.” At press time, Kings head coach Keith Smart was working with players on a new call-a-timeout-when-we-have-none-left play.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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