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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Sacramento Kings Perfectly Execute Throw-Ball-Out-Of-Bounds Play

SAN ANTONIO—Performing with rare efficiency and startling precision, the otherwise struggling Sacramento Kings perfectly executed their offense against the Spurs Friday, when the team ran a flawless throw-the-ball-out-of-bounds play. “John Salmons threw it out to the wing, [Jason] Thompson passes it me, and I send it right over DeMarcus Cousins’ head out of bounds,” said guard Tyreke Evans, who also contributed a textbook shoulder shrug and head shake to the play. “It was a huge confidence builder to have everything go as planned. We might try something more complicated where the center sets a pick, rolls to the left, and I dribble the ball off my foot.” At press time, Kings head coach Keith Smart was working with players on a new call-a-timeout-when-we-have-none-left play.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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