adBlockCheck

Local

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Sad Man Tears 2 Bananas Off Larger Bunch

NEW YORK—Sources at Key Food supermarket confirmed that a sad man tore two bananas from a bunch of seven while shopping alone in the store’s produce section Wednesday. “This ought to do it,” the lonely individual reportedly thought to himself as he placed the fruit in his shopping basket alongside a single pint of milk, which sources confirmed would likely go bad before it was finished. “I’ll probably have one banana today, maybe the other tomorrow or the day after, so—yeah.” According to reports, the five bananas remaining in the bunch were purchased by a smiling, cheerful man, who brought them back to a home full of people who love him very much.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close