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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Sad Man Tears 2 Bananas Off Larger Bunch

NEW YORK—Sources at Key Food supermarket confirmed that a sad man tore two bananas from a bunch of seven while shopping alone in the store’s produce section Wednesday. “This ought to do it,” the lonely individual reportedly thought to himself as he placed the fruit in his shopping basket alongside a single pint of milk, which sources confirmed would likely go bad before it was finished. “I’ll probably have one banana today, maybe the other tomorrow or the day after, so—yeah.” According to reports, the five bananas remaining in the bunch were purchased by a smiling, cheerful man, who brought them back to a home full of people who love him very much.

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