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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Sad Sack Bullied By Area Goose

ARLINGTON, MA—According to onlookers in Wright Park, local sad sack Morgan Jennings was intimidated, bullied, and sent fleeing for safety by a Canada goose today while walking beside the park's namesake pond.

Sources said the 36-year-old benefits officer was enjoying his lunch hour outdoors when the black-and-white migratory bird, which posed no real physical threat to Jennings, emerged from the water and waddled toward him, causing the utterly pathetic man to emit a feeble high-pitched noise and recoil in a shameful display of fear.

"That thing came at me out of nowhere," said a still-shaken Jennings, who mounted what was said to be a heartbreakingly pitiful attempt to scare off the housecat-sized animal by swatting the air in its direction from 15 feet away and uttering increasingly panicked yelps of "Shoo!" and "C'mon! Get out of here!" "They're actually pretty mean. I gotta say, geese are not nice birds at all."

"You really have to be careful around those things," added the man who outweighs the bird by more than 150 pounds. "They bite."

In spite of what witnesses described as a terrified Jennings standing stock-still for several seconds in hopes the goose would ignore him, followed by some weak half-kicking movements, the resolute waterfowl steadily continued toward the almost intolerably tragic human being, making several lunges with its neck that elicited just the saddest series of high-pitched, frightened shrieks from Jennings.

According to a number of joggers and park visitors whose attention was drawn to the situation by Jennings' spastic flailing motions and panicked cries of "What do you want? Go away!", the barely two-foot-tall bird extended its wings at one point and made a running charge at Jennings, sending him fleeing in girlish fear from the park's asphalt walking path and onto a nearby expanse of wet grass.

Additionally, the sheer terror coursing through Jennings is said to have caused him to stumble forward as he fled, resulting in him mashing the ham sandwich he was holding right into his button-down shirt.

"I was heading down to the water to feed the geese like I do each day, when I saw this really red-faced, hysterical man trying to get away from a goose," said onlooker Bernard Packer, 70, who watched the out-of-breath little man run to higher ground and position himself behind a park bench for safety. "I tell you, when that goose started to hiss at him, he really flinched."

According to bystanders, Jennings, who was reportedly frustrated almost to the point of tears by that point, made one last unsuccessful attempt to scare the goose off by slowly shuffling up within a few yards of the bird, shaking water at it from his Klean Kanteen, and then quickly retreating to safety.

"Geese are a lot bigger than you think and they're not afraid to stand their ground," said Jennings—unbelievably, a fully-grown adult male human being—as a nearby preschool-age child pointed at the goose and delightedly exclaimed "Look at the birdie!" "It's springtime, so it must have been protecting its young, because it really came right at me and didn't let up. It would've gotten me if I didn't move fast."

"These are wild animals," the sad, sad man added.

At press time, the goose had reportedly settled beside the path, prompting Jennings to wait nervously for five minutes before deciding to walk the opposite way around the pond an additional quarter of a mile to get back to his office.

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