adBlockCheck

Sad Sack Bullied By Area Goose

Top Headlines

Recent News

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Sad Sack Bullied By Area Goose

ARLINGTON, MA—According to onlookers in Wright Park, local sad sack Morgan Jennings was intimidated, bullied, and sent fleeing for safety by a Canada goose today while walking beside the park's namesake pond.

Sources said the 36-year-old benefits officer was enjoying his lunch hour outdoors when the black-and-white migratory bird, which posed no real physical threat to Jennings, emerged from the water and waddled toward him, causing the utterly pathetic man to emit a feeble high-pitched noise and recoil in a shameful display of fear.

"That thing came at me out of nowhere," said a still-shaken Jennings, who mounted what was said to be a heartbreakingly pitiful attempt to scare off the housecat-sized animal by swatting the air in its direction from 15 feet away and uttering increasingly panicked yelps of "Shoo!" and "C'mon! Get out of here!" "They're actually pretty mean. I gotta say, geese are not nice birds at all."

"You really have to be careful around those things," added the man who outweighs the bird by more than 150 pounds. "They bite."

In spite of what witnesses described as a terrified Jennings standing stock-still for several seconds in hopes the goose would ignore him, followed by some weak half-kicking movements, the resolute waterfowl steadily continued toward the almost intolerably tragic human being, making several lunges with its neck that elicited just the saddest series of high-pitched, frightened shrieks from Jennings.

According to a number of joggers and park visitors whose attention was drawn to the situation by Jennings' spastic flailing motions and panicked cries of "What do you want? Go away!", the barely two-foot-tall bird extended its wings at one point and made a running charge at Jennings, sending him fleeing in girlish fear from the park's asphalt walking path and onto a nearby expanse of wet grass.

Additionally, the sheer terror coursing through Jennings is said to have caused him to stumble forward as he fled, resulting in him mashing the ham sandwich he was holding right into his button-down shirt.

"I was heading down to the water to feed the geese like I do each day, when I saw this really red-faced, hysterical man trying to get away from a goose," said onlooker Bernard Packer, 70, who watched the out-of-breath little man run to higher ground and position himself behind a park bench for safety. "I tell you, when that goose started to hiss at him, he really flinched."

According to bystanders, Jennings, who was reportedly frustrated almost to the point of tears by that point, made one last unsuccessful attempt to scare the goose off by slowly shuffling up within a few yards of the bird, shaking water at it from his Klean Kanteen, and then quickly retreating to safety.

"Geese are a lot bigger than you think and they're not afraid to stand their ground," said Jennings—unbelievably, a fully-grown adult male human being—as a nearby preschool-age child pointed at the goose and delightedly exclaimed "Look at the birdie!" "It's springtime, so it must have been protecting its young, because it really came right at me and didn't let up. It would've gotten me if I didn't move fast."

"These are wild animals," the sad, sad man added.

At press time, the goose had reportedly settled beside the path, prompting Jennings to wait nervously for five minutes before deciding to walk the opposite way around the pond an additional quarter of a mile to get back to his office.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close