adBlockCheck

Sad Sack Bullied By Area Goose

Top Headlines

Recent News

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

Sad Sack Bullied By Area Goose

ARLINGTON, MA—According to onlookers in Wright Park, local sad sack Morgan Jennings was intimidated, bullied, and sent fleeing for safety by a Canada goose today while walking beside the park's namesake pond.

Sources said the 36-year-old benefits officer was enjoying his lunch hour outdoors when the black-and-white migratory bird, which posed no real physical threat to Jennings, emerged from the water and waddled toward him, causing the utterly pathetic man to emit a feeble high-pitched noise and recoil in a shameful display of fear.

"That thing came at me out of nowhere," said a still-shaken Jennings, who mounted what was said to be a heartbreakingly pitiful attempt to scare off the housecat-sized animal by swatting the air in its direction from 15 feet away and uttering increasingly panicked yelps of "Shoo!" and "C'mon! Get out of here!" "They're actually pretty mean. I gotta say, geese are not nice birds at all."

"You really have to be careful around those things," added the man who outweighs the bird by more than 150 pounds. "They bite."

In spite of what witnesses described as a terrified Jennings standing stock-still for several seconds in hopes the goose would ignore him, followed by some weak half-kicking movements, the resolute waterfowl steadily continued toward the almost intolerably tragic human being, making several lunges with its neck that elicited just the saddest series of high-pitched, frightened shrieks from Jennings.

According to a number of joggers and park visitors whose attention was drawn to the situation by Jennings' spastic flailing motions and panicked cries of "What do you want? Go away!", the barely two-foot-tall bird extended its wings at one point and made a running charge at Jennings, sending him fleeing in girlish fear from the park's asphalt walking path and onto a nearby expanse of wet grass.

Additionally, the sheer terror coursing through Jennings is said to have caused him to stumble forward as he fled, resulting in him mashing the ham sandwich he was holding right into his button-down shirt.

"I was heading down to the water to feed the geese like I do each day, when I saw this really red-faced, hysterical man trying to get away from a goose," said onlooker Bernard Packer, 70, who watched the out-of-breath little man run to higher ground and position himself behind a park bench for safety. "I tell you, when that goose started to hiss at him, he really flinched."

According to bystanders, Jennings, who was reportedly frustrated almost to the point of tears by that point, made one last unsuccessful attempt to scare the goose off by slowly shuffling up within a few yards of the bird, shaking water at it from his Klean Kanteen, and then quickly retreating to safety.

"Geese are a lot bigger than you think and they're not afraid to stand their ground," said Jennings—unbelievably, a fully-grown adult male human being—as a nearby preschool-age child pointed at the goose and delightedly exclaimed "Look at the birdie!" "It's springtime, so it must have been protecting its young, because it really came right at me and didn't let up. It would've gotten me if I didn't move fast."

"These are wild animals," the sad, sad man added.

At press time, the goose had reportedly settled beside the path, prompting Jennings to wait nervously for five minutes before deciding to walk the opposite way around the pond an additional quarter of a mile to get back to his office.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close