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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Sad Sack Purchases Screenwriting Software

In a heartbreaking admission, Norgen said he was impressed by Final Draft’s ScriptNotes feature.
In a heartbreaking admission, Norgen said he was impressed by Final Draft’s ScriptNotes feature.

AKRON, OH—Saying that he's had a few movie ideas kicking around for a while now, local resident and very depressing man Scott Norgren purchased screenwriting software Tuesday.

"I'm excited," said the 36-year-old sad sack, who bought the popular program Final Draft 8 at Best Buy during his work lunch break. "I figured that if I'm going to give screenwriting a try, I should have the right software."

"It's supposed to make the whole process easier," the poor sonofabitch added. "Like the outlining, for example."

Norgren, who spent several weeks making careful notes on the screenwriting programs currently on the market, finally settled on Final Draft not just because of its formatting capabilities, but also because the software came highly recommended by some of Hollywood's top screenwriters.

The title of this screenplay alone would make you cringe in embarrassment and feel overwhelming pity for the pathetic man who wrote it.

"The website says James Cameron uses Final Draft," Norgren said. "He wrote Avatar with this."

According to sources close to the HR administrator, the sad man was further impressed by the number of positive quotes and testimonials found on the back of the Final Draft box, including one from critically acclaimed actor and director Tom Hanks, which read, "Final Draft makes it possible to simply imagine the movie in script form."

"This is what the pros use," said Norgren, his enthusiasm almost painful in its earnestness. "And it formats for things other than movies, too, like television sitcoms, British sitcoms, one-hour dramas, and stage plays. I'll probably only use it for movies, but you never know when you'll have a great idea for something else."

"It writes out the names of your characters for you," Norgren continued. "If you type the first letter of the name of a character it automatically knows which one you want to talk."

The heartbreaking man added that the software does interiors and exteriors, too.

Norgren told increasingly depressed reporters that he's been thinking about giving screenwriting a try for months. He purchased Syd Field's Screenplay: The Foundations Of Screenwriting and recently became a two-year subscriber to Creative Screenwriting magazine. Last Thursday, Norgren moved the card table from his garage to a spot near his living room window that he said would be "perfect for getting some work done."

After mentioning that he has posted several movie reviews in the comments section of IMDb, the sad man continued his run of half-smile-half-wince-inducing statements by sharing his plans to install the screenwriting software on his laptop, so that he can spend Saturday afternoons working at a nearby Starbucks.

"I don't know if they'll let me, but maybe I can also put it on my work computer," Norgren added. "Then I can work on my movies during breaks. I don't get to be too creative at work."

Norgren, whose script ideas were literally too sad to print here, said he likes films with smart dialogue and characters who overcome obstacles, such as Finding Forrester, A Beautiful Mind, and Juno.

"I want to write movies like that," he said, crushing—just absolutely crushing—the group of assembled reporters. "And with this software I don't have to worry about all the little technical stuff and can just focus on the story. I think my one idea about a guy who [approx. 30 words omitted because, really, it would ruin your day] could be pretty good."

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