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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Sad Sack Purchases Screenwriting Software

In a heartbreaking admission, Norgen said he was impressed by Final Draft’s ScriptNotes feature.
In a heartbreaking admission, Norgen said he was impressed by Final Draft’s ScriptNotes feature.

AKRON, OH—Saying that he's had a few movie ideas kicking around for a while now, local resident and very depressing man Scott Norgren purchased screenwriting software Tuesday.

"I'm excited," said the 36-year-old sad sack, who bought the popular program Final Draft 8 at Best Buy during his work lunch break. "I figured that if I'm going to give screenwriting a try, I should have the right software."

"It's supposed to make the whole process easier," the poor sonofabitch added. "Like the outlining, for example."

Norgren, who spent several weeks making careful notes on the screenwriting programs currently on the market, finally settled on Final Draft not just because of its formatting capabilities, but also because the software came highly recommended by some of Hollywood's top screenwriters.

The title of this screenplay alone would make you cringe in embarrassment and feel overwhelming pity for the pathetic man who wrote it.

"The website says James Cameron uses Final Draft," Norgren said. "He wrote Avatar with this."

According to sources close to the HR administrator, the sad man was further impressed by the number of positive quotes and testimonials found on the back of the Final Draft box, including one from critically acclaimed actor and director Tom Hanks, which read, "Final Draft makes it possible to simply imagine the movie in script form."

"This is what the pros use," said Norgren, his enthusiasm almost painful in its earnestness. "And it formats for things other than movies, too, like television sitcoms, British sitcoms, one-hour dramas, and stage plays. I'll probably only use it for movies, but you never know when you'll have a great idea for something else."

"It writes out the names of your characters for you," Norgren continued. "If you type the first letter of the name of a character it automatically knows which one you want to talk."

The heartbreaking man added that the software does interiors and exteriors, too.

Norgren told increasingly depressed reporters that he's been thinking about giving screenwriting a try for months. He purchased Syd Field's Screenplay: The Foundations Of Screenwriting and recently became a two-year subscriber to Creative Screenwriting magazine. Last Thursday, Norgren moved the card table from his garage to a spot near his living room window that he said would be "perfect for getting some work done."

After mentioning that he has posted several movie reviews in the comments section of IMDb, the sad man continued his run of half-smile-half-wince-inducing statements by sharing his plans to install the screenwriting software on his laptop, so that he can spend Saturday afternoons working at a nearby Starbucks.

"I don't know if they'll let me, but maybe I can also put it on my work computer," Norgren added. "Then I can work on my movies during breaks. I don't get to be too creative at work."

Norgren, whose script ideas were literally too sad to print here, said he likes films with smart dialogue and characters who overcome obstacles, such as Finding Forrester, A Beautiful Mind, and Juno.

"I want to write movies like that," he said, crushing—just absolutely crushing—the group of assembled reporters. "And with this software I don't have to worry about all the little technical stuff and can just focus on the story. I think my one idea about a guy who [approx. 30 words omitted because, really, it would ruin your day] could be pretty good."

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