adBlockCheck

Sad Sack Purchases Screenwriting Software

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Sad Sack Purchases Screenwriting Software

In a heartbreaking admission, Norgen said he was impressed by Final Draft’s ScriptNotes feature.
In a heartbreaking admission, Norgen said he was impressed by Final Draft’s ScriptNotes feature.

AKRON, OH—Saying that he's had a few movie ideas kicking around for a while now, local resident and very depressing man Scott Norgren purchased screenwriting software Tuesday.

"I'm excited," said the 36-year-old sad sack, who bought the popular program Final Draft 8 at Best Buy during his work lunch break. "I figured that if I'm going to give screenwriting a try, I should have the right software."

"It's supposed to make the whole process easier," the poor sonofabitch added. "Like the outlining, for example."

Norgren, who spent several weeks making careful notes on the screenwriting programs currently on the market, finally settled on Final Draft not just because of its formatting capabilities, but also because the software came highly recommended by some of Hollywood's top screenwriters.

The title of this screenplay alone would make you cringe in embarrassment and feel overwhelming pity for the pathetic man who wrote it.

"The website says James Cameron uses Final Draft," Norgren said. "He wrote Avatar with this."

According to sources close to the HR administrator, the sad man was further impressed by the number of positive quotes and testimonials found on the back of the Final Draft box, including one from critically acclaimed actor and director Tom Hanks, which read, "Final Draft makes it possible to simply imagine the movie in script form."

"This is what the pros use," said Norgren, his enthusiasm almost painful in its earnestness. "And it formats for things other than movies, too, like television sitcoms, British sitcoms, one-hour dramas, and stage plays. I'll probably only use it for movies, but you never know when you'll have a great idea for something else."

"It writes out the names of your characters for you," Norgren continued. "If you type the first letter of the name of a character it automatically knows which one you want to talk."

The heartbreaking man added that the software does interiors and exteriors, too.

Norgren told increasingly depressed reporters that he's been thinking about giving screenwriting a try for months. He purchased Syd Field's Screenplay: The Foundations Of Screenwriting and recently became a two-year subscriber to Creative Screenwriting magazine. Last Thursday, Norgren moved the card table from his garage to a spot near his living room window that he said would be "perfect for getting some work done."

After mentioning that he has posted several movie reviews in the comments section of IMDb, the sad man continued his run of half-smile-half-wince-inducing statements by sharing his plans to install the screenwriting software on his laptop, so that he can spend Saturday afternoons working at a nearby Starbucks.

"I don't know if they'll let me, but maybe I can also put it on my work computer," Norgren added. "Then I can work on my movies during breaks. I don't get to be too creative at work."

Norgren, whose script ideas were literally too sad to print here, said he likes films with smart dialogue and characters who overcome obstacles, such as Finding Forrester, A Beautiful Mind, and Juno.

"I want to write movies like that," he said, crushing—just absolutely crushing—the group of assembled reporters. "And with this software I don't have to worry about all the little technical stuff and can just focus on the story. I think my one idea about a guy who [approx. 30 words omitted because, really, it would ruin your day] could be pretty good."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close