THE HEAVENS—Sources within the Kingdom of God confirmed Thursday that late president of Iraq Saddam Hussein has been constantly complaining to his fellow angels about the abundance of Jews in Heaven.
Hussein, who has resided in Heaven since his death in 2006, reportedly claims to be “sick and tired of seeing Jews every day” of his infinite afterlife.
“Don’t get me wrong, this place is a hallowed paradise of unfathomable splendor, but to be perfectly frank, it’s a little hard to enjoy with all these damned Jews floating around,” said Hussein as his white angelic robes were bathed in the blessed light of the Lord. “It’s just frustrating that after putting in 69 years of hard work on Earth, I have to come up here and see Jews everywhere I turn.”
“Sure, I figured I might see a few of them around, but this is way too many,” continued Hussein, a golden halo shimmering magnificently above the former dictator’s head. “Just way, way too many.”
Reports confirmed that upon passing through the Pearly Gates and receiving his angel wings from Gabriel, Hussein quickly noticed that the Kingdom of Heaven was “literally crawling with Jews” and immediately began grumbling to his fellow holy guardians.
“At first I thought somebody had just screwed up, but I asked around, and apparently they’re supposed to be here,” said Hussein, who reportedly shares a cloud with two other Heavenly angels, both of whom are Orthodox Jews. “I talk to Uday, Qusay, and [St.] Thomas [Aquinas] about it all the time. I’m like, ‘Can somebody do something about this, please? It’s ruining Heaven for me.’”
Although the former Iraqi leader claims to be doing his utmost to simply ignore the Jews, Hussein reportedly becomes increasingly vocal about his feelings whenever another Jewish spirit ascends to the sacred realm of the Almighty.
According to sources, Hussein has also grown so frustrated with the situation that he occasionally disappears to Earth, appearing in messianic visions and performing miracles solely to “get some time away” from the many Jews in the Empyrean.
“It wouldn’t be as big of a problem if they had their own separate Jew section, but they’re right in my face every day,” said Hussein, adding that he “can’t fly more than five feet” without hearing angels speaking Hebrew or playing “Jew music” on golden harps. “It’s like I was telling Timothy McVeigh the other day: I’m sure they’re no happier to see me than I am to see them. So if we just had our own segregated areas of the Kingdom, we’d never cross paths, and we’d all be a lot happier. Simple, right?”
“I mean, c’mon, it’s not like the place isn’t big enough,” added Hussein, gesturing to the boundless divine utopia surrounding his glowing, ethereal body.
Having voiced his concerns to many of the roughly 20,000 other inhabitants of Heaven, Hussein is reportedly planning to soon take his objections directly to God, while also acknowledging “it wouldn’t kill Him to put in a few rape rooms, either.”
However, Hussein is said to be very satisfied with his overall experience in the House of the Father, claiming that he loves the gold-paved streets and is “really enjoying [his] eternal salvation.” Sources confirmed that the presence of Jews is the former dictator’s only “major gripe” with the Heavenly Kingdom.
“I would honestly be totally fine if they just got rid of, say, half the Jews,” Hussein said. “But if anything, it seems like more of them are showing up every day. Honestly, what’s the point of my soul even being here if I can’t enjoy my everlasting bliss?”
“I guess it could be worse, though,” Hussein added. “At least there are no homosexuals.”