Saddam Hussein Harnesses Cuteness Of Babies For Powerful New Weapon

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Vol 33 Issue 04

Zapp Institute Adjusts Bounce/Ounce Ratio

LOS ANGELES—Alarmed by the sharp decline in overall U.S. rump-shaking levels in the past 12 months, Zapp Institute director Dr. Roger Troutman announced Monday that the federal bounce/ounce ratio will be raised to four-to-one effective March 1. "The American people can not adequately get down if they do not receive more bounce to the ounce," Troutman said. "Hopefully, by increasing per capita BPOs, or bounces-per-ounce, to four-to-one, the Zapp Institute will help Americans to once again get their groove on."

Psychic-Phone-Line Customer Used To Be Closed-Minded Just Like Her Friends

DETROIT—Detroit-area receptionist Nadine Jackson announced Monday that, after years of being closed-minded like her friends, she has finally come to realize that the Caring Psychic Family Network is an amazing psychic service that really works. "Now listen here, honey," said Jackson, swaying her head from side-to-side in a sassy, authoritative manner, "I used to be skeptical about 1-900 hotlines just like my friends. But let me tell you, the Caring Psychic Family Network is different. Their expert psychics' predictions really work!" Jackson said she will pray each night for the souls of her misguided, non-believing friends.

Last Remaining Novelist Dies In Captivity

COLUMBUS, OH—Cultural zoologists are mourning the extinction of a species following Monday’s passing of novelist John Updike. The last living novelist, Updike died in his cage at the Columbus Zoo. "We will greatly miss Mr. Updike, to whom many of our trainers and feeders grew very attached," zoo director Cheryl Berner said. "Columbus Zoo visitors of all ages loved to watch him hunch over his typewriter, furiously pressing the little keys." Berner said the zoo had tried for several years to mate Updike—known for his long fictional books called "novels" (KNAW-vuls)—with female ad-copy writers, cartoonists and screenwriters, but were unsuccessful. "At one point, we tried to procure a sperm sample from Mr. Updike to inseminate People magazine managing editor Jane Lowery, but he became enraged and violent when approached,” Berner said.

Abortion Issue ‘Most Critical Of Our Time,’ Say Tobacco-Industry Executives

WINSTON-SALEM, NC—At its quarterly meeting Wednesday, the National Association of Tobacco Growers declared abortion "the most critical issue of our time," resolving to significantly increase public awareness and discussion of it. "There are many controversial issues in America, but none more controversial than abortion," NATG president Buddy Ott said. "It is a highly volatile, complex issue and, as such, it deserves a tremendous amount of attention and scrutiny from the American public and media."

Swiss Threaten Ricola Embargo

BERN, SWITZERLAND—Angered by rising international tariffs against his nation, Swiss president Gunter Klima threatened a worldwide Ricola embargo Tuesday. "If these unfair tariffs are not lifted," Klima said, "we will have no choice but to withhold our natural Alpine-herb throat lozenges, causing billions of throats across the globe to go tragically unsoothed." An estimated 2.1 billion people rely on Swiss menthol for their throat-calming needs.
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Saddam Hussein Harnesses Cuteness Of Babies For Powerful New Weapon

BAGHDAD—U.S. military-intelligence officials operating deep within Iraqi territory confirmed Monday that Saddam Hussein has developed a devastating weapon of mass destruction powered by the cuteness of babies.

baby

Pentagon sources report that Saddam Hussein's terrifying new infant-powered weapon is "fully operational."

According to Gen. William MacAlester, the weapon, which has been observed by U.S. surveillance satellites positioned over Iraq, collects "adorability rays" given off by pink, gurgling newborns and converts them into an experimental, highly unstable isotope known as Cutium-109, which is then sped up in a zero-pressure chamber, setting off a chain reaction with a destructive force 20,000 times more powerful than the blast at Hiroshima.

MacAlester said that the cuteness is harnessed by loading 4,700 adorable babies wrapped in fuzzy pink blankets into the weapon's cuteness-conversion chamber, where the newborns are suffocated, decapitated and mashed into a thin liquid paste, which is then superheated to 30,000 degrees.

"The United States has long known that such technology exists, but never considered developing it because of its obviously immoral and unethical nature," MacAlester said. "Our great fear was that, eventually, some madman would come along who had no qualms about using such a terrible device. That day has come."

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