BAGHDAD—U.S. military-intelligence officials operating deep within Iraqi territory confirmed Monday that Saddam Hussein has developed a devastating weapon of mass destruction powered by the cuteness of babies.
According to Gen. William MacAlester, the weapon, which has been observed by U.S. surveillance satellites positioned over Iraq, collects "adorability rays" given off by pink, gurgling newborns and converts them into an experimental, highly unstable isotope known as Cutium-109, which is then sped up in a zero-pressure chamber, setting off a chain reaction with a destructive force 20,000 times more powerful than the blast at Hiroshima.
MacAlester said that the cuteness is harnessed by loading 4,700 adorable babies wrapped in fuzzy pink blankets into the weapon's cuteness-conversion chamber, where the newborns are suffocated, decapitated and mashed into a thin liquid paste, which is then superheated to 30,000 degrees.
"The United States has long known that such technology exists, but never considered developing it because of its obviously immoral and unethical nature," MacAlester said. "Our great fear was that, eventually, some madman would come along who had no qualms about using such a terrible device. That day has come."