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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.
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Saddam Hussein Harnesses Cuteness Of Babies For Powerful New Weapon

BAGHDAD—U.S. military-intelligence officials operating deep within Iraqi territory confirmed Monday that Saddam Hussein has developed a devastating weapon of mass destruction powered by the cuteness of babies.

baby

Pentagon sources report that Saddam Hussein's terrifying new infant-powered weapon is "fully operational."

According to Gen. William MacAlester, the weapon, which has been observed by U.S. surveillance satellites positioned over Iraq, collects "adorability rays" given off by pink, gurgling newborns and converts them into an experimental, highly unstable isotope known as Cutium-109, which is then sped up in a zero-pressure chamber, setting off a chain reaction with a destructive force 20,000 times more powerful than the blast at Hiroshima.

MacAlester said that the cuteness is harnessed by loading 4,700 adorable babies wrapped in fuzzy pink blankets into the weapon's cuteness-conversion chamber, where the newborns are suffocated, decapitated and mashed into a thin liquid paste, which is then superheated to 30,000 degrees.

"The United States has long known that such technology exists, but never considered developing it because of its obviously immoral and unethical nature," MacAlester said. "Our great fear was that, eventually, some madman would come along who had no qualms about using such a terrible device. That day has come."

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