adBlockCheck

Saddam Hussein Harnesses Cuteness Of Babies For Powerful New Weapon

Top Headlines

International

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Saddam Hussein Harnesses Cuteness Of Babies For Powerful New Weapon

BAGHDAD—U.S. military-intelligence officials operating deep within Iraqi territory confirmed Monday that Saddam Hussein has developed a devastating weapon of mass destruction powered by the cuteness of babies.

baby

Pentagon sources report that Saddam Hussein's terrifying new infant-powered weapon is "fully operational."

According to Gen. William MacAlester, the weapon, which has been observed by U.S. surveillance satellites positioned over Iraq, collects "adorability rays" given off by pink, gurgling newborns and converts them into an experimental, highly unstable isotope known as Cutium-109, which is then sped up in a zero-pressure chamber, setting off a chain reaction with a destructive force 20,000 times more powerful than the blast at Hiroshima.

MacAlester said that the cuteness is harnessed by loading 4,700 adorable babies wrapped in fuzzy pink blankets into the weapon's cuteness-conversion chamber, where the newborns are suffocated, decapitated and mashed into a thin liquid paste, which is then superheated to 30,000 degrees.

"The United States has long known that such technology exists, but never considered developing it because of its obviously immoral and unethical nature," MacAlester said. "Our great fear was that, eventually, some madman would come along who had no qualms about using such a terrible device. That day has come."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close