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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Sadly, Gift Certificate To Loews Cinemas Perfect Gift For Area Man

CHICAGO—While acknowledging it was "sad" and "kind of depressing to think about," sources close to local man Nathan Bosnic admitted Friday that a $50 gift certificate to Loews Cinemas was the perfect present for him. "It breaks my heart to say this, because Nate's my little brother and I love him, but the sad fact of the matter is that he goes to a lot of movies by himself, and he'll get more use out of this than anything else I could have bought him," said Bosnic's sister Kate, adding that the gift was "really a no-brainer," a fact that made it all the more depressing. "I know he'll love the matinee discounts there, because he sees a lot of movies in the daytime. He says he likes it when it's less crowded and he can get a row to himself. Jesus." When asked for comment, Bosnic said he would probably use one of the free tickets to see Tom Hanks' new romantic comedy Larry Crowne, which, sadly, everyone knew he would say.

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