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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Sadly, Gift Certificate To Loews Cinemas Perfect Gift For Area Man

CHICAGO—While acknowledging it was "sad" and "kind of depressing to think about," sources close to local man Nathan Bosnic admitted Friday that a $50 gift certificate to Loews Cinemas was the perfect present for him. "It breaks my heart to say this, because Nate's my little brother and I love him, but the sad fact of the matter is that he goes to a lot of movies by himself, and he'll get more use out of this than anything else I could have bought him," said Bosnic's sister Kate, adding that the gift was "really a no-brainer," a fact that made it all the more depressing. "I know he'll love the matinee discounts there, because he sees a lot of movies in the daytime. He says he likes it when it's less crowded and he can get a row to himself. Jesus." When asked for comment, Bosnic said he would probably use one of the free tickets to see Tom Hanks' new romantic comedy Larry Crowne, which, sadly, everyone knew he would say.

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