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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Sadly, Gift Certificate To Loews Cinemas Perfect Gift For Area Man

CHICAGO—While acknowledging it was "sad" and "kind of depressing to think about," sources close to local man Nathan Bosnic admitted Friday that a $50 gift certificate to Loews Cinemas was the perfect present for him. "It breaks my heart to say this, because Nate's my little brother and I love him, but the sad fact of the matter is that he goes to a lot of movies by himself, and he'll get more use out of this than anything else I could have bought him," said Bosnic's sister Kate, adding that the gift was "really a no-brainer," a fact that made it all the more depressing. "I know he'll love the matinee discounts there, because he sees a lot of movies in the daytime. He says he likes it when it's less crowded and he can get a row to himself. Jesus." When asked for comment, Bosnic said he would probably use one of the free tickets to see Tom Hanks' new romantic comedy Larry Crowne, which, sadly, everyone knew he would say.

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