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Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Safe Sex Tips

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life or death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe":

  • Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly
  • Think about your parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex
  • Wash hands thoroughly before fisting goat
  • Under no circumstance should you give CPR to a stranger
  • Avoid dipping penis in buckets of AIDS-infected blood
  • Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm"
  • Pull out cat's teeth before pouring gravy over vagina
  • Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you
  • Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use
  • When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of chi imbalance
  • Stock up on free safe-sex pamphlets at local health clinic; use them to make papiér-maché genital wrap
  • Before fellating anonymous man in back room of gay bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"
  • Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape
  • You can get it from kissing—tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact
  • To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms
  • Avoid talking to homosexuals at all costs
  • If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out beforehand to hope for the best


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