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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Safe Sex Tips

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life or death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe":

  • Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly
  • Think about your parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex
  • Wash hands thoroughly before fisting goat
  • Under no circumstance should you give CPR to a stranger
  • Avoid dipping penis in buckets of AIDS-infected blood
  • Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm"
  • Pull out cat's teeth before pouring gravy over vagina
  • Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you
  • Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use
  • When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of chi imbalance
  • Stock up on free safe-sex pamphlets at local health clinic; use them to make papiér-maché genital wrap
  • Before fellating anonymous man in back room of gay bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"
  • Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape
  • You can get it from kissing—tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact
  • To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms
  • Avoid talking to homosexuals at all costs
  • If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out beforehand to hope for the best

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