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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Safe Sex Tips

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life or death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe":

  • Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly
  • Think about your parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex
  • Wash hands thoroughly before fisting goat
  • Under no circumstance should you give CPR to a stranger
  • Avoid dipping penis in buckets of AIDS-infected blood
  • Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm"
  • Pull out cat's teeth before pouring gravy over vagina
  • Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you
  • Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use
  • When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of chi imbalance
  • Stock up on free safe-sex pamphlets at local health clinic; use them to make papiér-maché genital wrap
  • Before fellating anonymous man in back room of gay bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"
  • Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape
  • You can get it from kissing—tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact
  • To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms
  • Avoid talking to homosexuals at all costs
  • If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out beforehand to hope for the best

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