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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Safe Sex Tips

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life or death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe":

  • Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly
  • Think about your parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex
  • Wash hands thoroughly before fisting goat
  • Under no circumstance should you give CPR to a stranger
  • Avoid dipping penis in buckets of AIDS-infected blood
  • Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm"
  • Pull out cat's teeth before pouring gravy over vagina
  • Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you
  • Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use
  • When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of chi imbalance
  • Stock up on free safe-sex pamphlets at local health clinic; use them to make papiér-maché genital wrap
  • Before fellating anonymous man in back room of gay bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"
  • Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape
  • You can get it from kissing—tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact
  • To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms
  • Avoid talking to homosexuals at all costs
  • If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out beforehand to hope for the best

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