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Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
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Safe Sex Tips

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life or death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe":

  • Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly
  • Think about your parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex
  • Wash hands thoroughly before fisting goat
  • Under no circumstance should you give CPR to a stranger
  • Avoid dipping penis in buckets of AIDS-infected blood
  • Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm"
  • Pull out cat's teeth before pouring gravy over vagina
  • Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you
  • Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use
  • When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of chi imbalance
  • Stock up on free safe-sex pamphlets at local health clinic; use them to make papiér-maché genital wrap
  • Before fellating anonymous man in back room of gay bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"
  • Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape
  • You can get it from kissing—tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact
  • To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms
  • Avoid talking to homosexuals at all costs
  • If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out beforehand to hope for the best

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