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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Saints Completely Satisfied With 8-0 Start

NEW ORLEANS—Sources within the Saints organization confirmed Wednesday that players, coaches, and executives alike are all "perfectly satisfied" and "completely okay" with the team's eight-win, no-loss performance thus far in the 2009 NFL season. "The Saints feel that Drew Brees' 106.1 quarterback rating, Reggie Bush's flashes of athletic brilliance, and Darren Sharper's seven interceptions are particularly satisfactory," team sources said. "Moreover, we are reasonably pleased with the prospect of facing the Rams and Buccaneers, both one-win teams, over the next couple weeks. It's nice." A spokesman for the Indianapolis Colts, the NFL's other undefeated team, said that quarterback Peyton Manning has been disappointed and discouraged by his team's perfect performance and was undergoing treatment for depression.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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