adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
End Of Section
  • More News

Saints Completely Satisfied With 8-0 Start

NEW ORLEANS—Sources within the Saints organization confirmed Wednesday that players, coaches, and executives alike are all "perfectly satisfied" and "completely okay" with the team's eight-win, no-loss performance thus far in the 2009 NFL season. "The Saints feel that Drew Brees' 106.1 quarterback rating, Reggie Bush's flashes of athletic brilliance, and Darren Sharper's seven interceptions are particularly satisfactory," team sources said. "Moreover, we are reasonably pleased with the prospect of facing the Rams and Buccaneers, both one-win teams, over the next couple weeks. It's nice." A spokesman for the Indianapolis Colts, the NFL's other undefeated team, said that quarterback Peyton Manning has been disappointed and discouraged by his team's perfect performance and was undergoing treatment for depression.

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close