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Saints Trip To Super Bowl Actually Best Thing That Has Ever Happened To New Orleans

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Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Saints Trip To Super Bowl Actually Best Thing That Has Ever Happened To New Orleans

NEW ORLEANS—City officials confirmed Monday that the Saints' historic first-ever trip to a Super Bowl would in fact be the best thing that had happened to the city in its long and tragic history. "This is a proud town, a good town, but you have to admit that we've had many more bad times than good," said Mayor Ray Nagin, noting among other things the Battle of New Orleans, which took place unnecessarily after the War of 1812 had ended; the massive political corruption that marked most of the 20th century; the presence of Anne Rice and the resulting rise of vampire fiction; the devastation wrought by Hurricanes Betsy, Rita, and Katrina; and the establishment in the city of the New Orleans Saints, perhaps the most frustrating football team of all time. "Okay, we have a great jazz scene here, and we throw a huge annual party, but it's about time we had something more than that." Mayor Nagin also noted that it was a kind of comfort to know that, if the Saints lost the Super Bowl, it would hardly be the worst thing that had ever happened to the city.

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