Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Salad Suppliers Pledge To Continue Including Just Enough In Bag That Some Will Go Bad If You’re Single

SALINAS, CA—In an effort to maintain stringent industry standards, salad suppliers nationwide pledged Monday to continue including just enough greens in bagged salad so that some will go bad if you’re single. “Whether it’s our 50/50 Mix or a simple chopped romaine, single customers can rest assured that they will always be left with a slimy, inedible clump of brown leaves at the bottom of the bag that wouldn’t be there if someone else were in their lives,” said Fresh Express CEO Marc Driver, adding that salad producers were united in ensuring that the refrigerators of partnerless consumers always contained a folded-over bag of soggy, spoiled vegetable matter that forces them to contemplate the possibility they’ll be alone forever. “You’ll know we’ve upheld our end of the bargain when you toss that quarter-filled container of rotting salad in the trash and wish you had someone—anyone—who you could come home to every night.” The suppliers also reaffirmed their commitment to including just the right amount of salad in their Spring Mix for couples in loveless relationships to always have their mouths full and eat in total silence.

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