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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Salary-Negotiation Tips

While it takes courage and know-how, negotiating your salary often pays off. Here are a few things to know before you meet with your employer:

Salary-Negotiation Tips


  • Be sure to type out a list of your demands in advance. You may forget to add the cold-cuts tray if you go by memory.
  • As a rule of thumb, always roll your eyes and sigh loudly at your employer's first two offers.
  • Determine the current market's salary range for positions in your field of expertise. Do this by looking at the per-hour wage posted in the front window.
  • Only you know your own worth. Do whatever it takes to make sure no one else finds out what it is.
  • If you're a recent immigrant to the U.S., offer to do any job for 50 percent of what they'd pay a natural-born citizen.
  • Be persuasive, but not pushy. Ah, fuck it—be pushy.
  • To make a strong case, clearly demonstrate your financial needs to your employer. Present him or her with the phone bill showing all those 900-number calls.
  • Always determine what your salary will be before you jump in the back of the pick-up.
  • Tell your employer that you will begin to work at your full capacity if given a raise.
  • Never be the first to mention salary during an interview. Instead, say something like, "Why don't you cut to the chase? We both know why I'm here."
  • Decide the salary you feel you need before you go into your boss' office. During the interview, reduce it by 25 percent. After the interview, tell yourself that the original figure was ridiculously high.
  • Most entry-level positions have salaries that are less negotiable, but don't let that stop you from making an ass of yourself at the Tastee Freeze.
  • If your employer asks why you think you deserve a higher salary, stare at him like a deer caught in headlights.
  • If you don't get a raise, steal a bunch of shit and chuckle to yourself about your new bonus package.
  • Ask if you need to wear a uniform at the job. If not, take whatever they're giving.
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    God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

    THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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