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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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Salary-Negotiation Tips

While it takes courage and know-how, negotiating your salary often pays off. Here are a few things to know before you meet with your employer:

Salary-Negotiation Tips


  • Be sure to type out a list of your demands in advance. You may forget to add the cold-cuts tray if you go by memory.
  • As a rule of thumb, always roll your eyes and sigh loudly at your employer's first two offers.
  • Determine the current market's salary range for positions in your field of expertise. Do this by looking at the per-hour wage posted in the front window.
  • Only you know your own worth. Do whatever it takes to make sure no one else finds out what it is.
  • If you're a recent immigrant to the U.S., offer to do any job for 50 percent of what they'd pay a natural-born citizen.
  • Be persuasive, but not pushy. Ah, fuck it—be pushy.
  • To make a strong case, clearly demonstrate your financial needs to your employer. Present him or her with the phone bill showing all those 900-number calls.
  • Always determine what your salary will be before you jump in the back of the pick-up.
  • Tell your employer that you will begin to work at your full capacity if given a raise.
  • Never be the first to mention salary during an interview. Instead, say something like, "Why don't you cut to the chase? We both know why I'm here."
  • Decide the salary you feel you need before you go into your boss' office. During the interview, reduce it by 25 percent. After the interview, tell yourself that the original figure was ridiculously high.
  • Most entry-level positions have salaries that are less negotiable, but don't let that stop you from making an ass of yourself at the Tastee Freeze.
  • If your employer asks why you think you deserve a higher salary, stare at him like a deer caught in headlights.
  • If you don't get a raise, steal a bunch of shit and chuckle to yourself about your new bonus package.
  • Ask if you need to wear a uniform at the job. If not, take whatever they're giving.
  • More from this section

    Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

    VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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