Salary-Negotiation Tips

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Vol 39 Issue 41

Alderman Has That Zoning Dream Again

AMES, IA—Fourth District Alderman Frank Pelson, 47, awoke with a start Monday night, interrupting his recurring zoning dream. "It was the third night in a row," Pelson said. "I'm sitting at my desk, drafting my proposal for the construction of a municipal pool near Franklin Park, when my inbox is besieged with angry petitions from residents who object to the traffic that the public recreational facility would generate." Pelson said the dream always ends the same way, with him experiencing the sensation of falling out of his office chair into a 60 percent business, 40 percent residential abyss.

Limbaugh Says Drug Addiction A Remnant Of Clinton Administration

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Frankly discussing his addiction to painkillers, conservative talk-show host Rush Limbaugh told his radio audience Monday that his abuse of OxyContin was a "remnant of the anything-goes ideology of the Clinton Administration." "Friends, all I can say is 'I told you so,'" said Limbaugh, from an undisclosed drug-treatment facility. "Were it not for Bill Clinton's loose policies on drug offenders and his rampant immorality, I would not have found myself in this predicament." Limbaugh added that he's staying at a rehab center created by the tax-and-spend liberals.

CIA-Leak Scapegoat Still At Large

WASHINGTON, DC—A White House administration official who can be blamed for leaking the identity of CIA officer Valerie Plame to the press remains at large, White House officials announced Monday.

Muscleman Put In Charge Of World's Fifth-Largest Economy

SACRAMENTO, CA—Political observers are struggling to understand exactly how, on Oct. 7, Arnold Schwarzenegger, an Austrian-born, movie-star muscleman with no political experience, was elected to govern the state of California, the world's fifth-largest economic region.

Silicone Breast Implants

An advisory panel to the Food and Drug Administration recommended that the 11-year ban on the sale of silicone breast implants be lifted. What do you think?

Peruvian Shockingly Knowledgeable About U.S. History

GAINSVILLE, FL—During her two-week visit to the U.S., Peruvian visitor Alejandra Mañera demonstrated a "frightening" depth of knowledge about U.S. history, her American friend Briana Heckel reported Monday. "We were sitting around talking about how Bush has no idea how to rebuild Iraq, and Alejandra starts mentioning how at least Woodrow Wilson outlined his postwar plan with his '14 Points' speech," Heckel said. "Then she starts listing all the points, and I'm like, who's Woodrow Wilson?" Mañera further unnerved Heckel by speaking flawless English.

Anyone Got A TV To Spare?

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been burning the candle at both ends lately. Shit, if a candle had three or four ends, they'd be burning, too.
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Salary-Negotiation Tips

While it takes courage and know-how, negotiating your salary often pays off. Here are a few things to know before you meet with your employer:

Salary-Negotiation Tips


  • Be sure to type out a list of your demands in advance. You may forget to add the cold-cuts tray if you go by memory.
  • As a rule of thumb, always roll your eyes and sigh loudly at your employer's first two offers.
  • Determine the current market's salary range for positions in your field of expertise. Do this by looking at the per-hour wage posted in the front window.
  • Only you know your own worth. Do whatever it takes to make sure no one else finds out what it is.
  • If you're a recent immigrant to the U.S., offer to do any job for 50 percent of what they'd pay a natural-born citizen.
  • Be persuasive, but not pushy. Ah, fuck it—be pushy.
  • To make a strong case, clearly demonstrate your financial needs to your employer. Present him or her with the phone bill showing all those 900-number calls.
  • Always determine what your salary will be before you jump in the back of the pick-up.
  • Tell your employer that you will begin to work at your full capacity if given a raise.
  • Never be the first to mention salary during an interview. Instead, say something like, "Why don't you cut to the chase? We both know why I'm here."
  • Decide the salary you feel you need before you go into your boss' office. During the interview, reduce it by 25 percent. After the interview, tell yourself that the original figure was ridiculously high.
  • Most entry-level positions have salaries that are less negotiable, but don't let that stop you from making an ass of yourself at the Tastee Freeze.
  • If your employer asks why you think you deserve a higher salary, stare at him like a deer caught in headlights.
  • If you don't get a raise, steal a bunch of shit and chuckle to yourself about your new bonus package.
  • Ask if you need to wear a uniform at the job. If not, take whatever they're giving.
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