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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Sales Of Chamomile Tea, Gas Masks Up Sharply

WASHINGTON, DC—According to the latest consumer-index figures from the Commerce Department, sales of chamomile tea and gas masks have shot up more than 50,000 percent in the past three weeks. "Far and away, these are the biggest movers," said Commerce Secretary Donald Evans, announcing the new figures Monday. "For whatever reason, these are the two consumer items generating the most interest right now." Also up sharply, Evans said, are sales of infrared night-vision goggles and aromatherapy oils.

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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