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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Salivating Andy Reid Still Chasing Perfect Seasoning

KANSAS CITY, MO—His mouth watering as he described the elusive blend of herbs, salts, and spices, Chiefs coach Andy Reid told reporters Wednesday that he was still determinedly pursuing a perfect seasoning. “A lot of things have to come together for a perfect seasoning,” said Reid, adding that his lifelong dream of tasting perfection led to countless hours of obsessive preparation and many late nights in the team’s kitchen facilities. “It needs to have a little grit, it needs to get hot at the right time, and it will only happen for a truly special meat. I’ve been close to the recipe for a perfect seasoning before—it’s actually why I moved to Kansas City.” Reid admitted that while the cook-offs were the most important goal, the Chiefs’ winning steak was “always in the back of [his] mind.”

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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