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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Salvation Air Force Collecting Used Planes In Your Area

ALEXANDRIA, VA—The Salvation Air Force put out an urgent call to U.S. aviators Monday, urging them to bring any used or unwanted aircraft to their nearest Salvation Air Force location. "We desperately need all manner of jets, biplanes, helicopters, hot-air balloons, zeppelins and autogyros," said Salvation Air Force national commander Denise Puhl, who added that if a building is closed, aircraft can be left in the drop bin outside.

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