BEAVERTON, OR—Promising to revolutionize the way athletes gorge, Nike introduced a new line of sauce-wicking apparel for competitive eating Thursday.
BALTIMORESammy Sosa, the slugger who won the attention and suspicion of American baseball fans with a series of 60-homer seasons in the late '90s, announced last Wednesday that he will retire from the sport despite, and in light of, being just 12 home runs away from the monumental and incriminating total of 600. "Sammy has given a lot to the game of baseball, but he feels that, at this point in his career, he just can't give any more, at least without coming under intense scrutiny from the media, Congress, and private investigators," Sosa's agent Adam Katz said. "I have spoken with Sammy, as well as his team of lawyers, and we all agree that this is the absolute right time for him to retire, with his dignity, legacy, and unblemished drug-abuse record still intact." Katz added that Sosa's plans for retirement include focusing on staying out of the spotlight, losing a few pounds in his head, neck, arms, and shoulders, and re-learning the English language in preparation for a short, succinct Hall of Fame induction speech in five years.