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Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Sammy Sosa Retires 12 Home Runs Shy Of Steroid Investigation

BALTIMORE—Sammy Sosa, the slugger who won the attention and suspicion of American baseball fans with a series of 60-homer seasons in the late '90s, announced last Wednesday that he will retire from the sport despite, and in light of, being just 12 home runs away from the monumental and incriminating total of 600. "Sammy has given a lot to the game of baseball, but he feels that, at this point in his career, he just can't give any more, at least without coming under intense scrutiny from the media, Congress, and private investigators," Sosa's agent Adam Katz said. "I have spoken with Sammy, as well as his team of lawyers, and we all agree that this is the absolute right time for him to retire, with his dignity, legacy, and unblemished drug-abuse record still intact." Katz added that Sosa's plans for retirement include focusing on staying out of the spotlight, losing a few pounds in his head, neck, arms, and shoulders, and re-learning the English language in preparation for a short, succinct Hall of Fame induction speech in five years.

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