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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Sammy Sosa Retires 12 Home Runs Shy Of Steroid Investigation

BALTIMORE—Sammy Sosa, the slugger who won the attention and suspicion of American baseball fans with a series of 60-homer seasons in the late '90s, announced last Wednesday that he will retire from the sport despite, and in light of, being just 12 home runs away from the monumental and incriminating total of 600. "Sammy has given a lot to the game of baseball, but he feels that, at this point in his career, he just can't give any more, at least without coming under intense scrutiny from the media, Congress, and private investigators," Sosa's agent Adam Katz said. "I have spoken with Sammy, as well as his team of lawyers, and we all agree that this is the absolute right time for him to retire, with his dignity, legacy, and unblemished drug-abuse record still intact." Katz added that Sosa's plans for retirement include focusing on staying out of the spotlight, losing a few pounds in his head, neck, arms, and shoulders, and re-learning the English language in preparation for a short, succinct Hall of Fame induction speech in five years.

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