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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Samsung Smart TV Owner Learning About Majority Of Features From Leaked CIA Documents

DERRY, NH—Admitting that he never fully understood the device’s capabilities, local man Andrew Thurston told reporters Thursday that he was learning about the majority of his Samsung Smart TV’s features from the trove of CIA hacking documents released by WikiLeaks. “Until I found out the CIA can hack into the microphone to listen in on your conversations, I had no idea my TV could even do voice activation,” said Thurston, 41, who only discovered that the 46-inch Samsung UNF7500 model that he had purchased in 2013 contained a built-in camera by reading that the CIA could be using it to spy on him. “I guess they can pull your web browsing data, too—I didn’t even know I could use the TV to search the internet. I thought it was just for watching Netflix and stuff. Man, there’s probably a whole bunch of other cool stuff I don’t even know about yet.” Sources confirmed that Thurston would not learn about most of the features included in his home’s smart thermostat, smart speaker, or smart baby monitor until subsequent CIA documents were leaked.

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