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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Samsung Smart TV Owner Learning About Majority Of Features From Leaked CIA Documents

DERRY, NH—Admitting that he never fully understood the device’s capabilities, local man Andrew Thurston told reporters Thursday that he was learning about the majority of his Samsung Smart TV’s features from the trove of CIA hacking documents released by WikiLeaks. “Until I found out the CIA can hack into the microphone to listen in on your conversations, I had no idea my TV could even do voice activation,” said Thurston, 41, who only discovered that the 46-inch Samsung UNF7500 model that he had purchased in 2013 contained a built-in camera by reading that the CIA could be using it to spy on him. “I guess they can pull your web browsing data, too—I didn’t even know I could use the TV to search the internet. I thought it was just for watching Netflix and stuff. Man, there’s probably a whole bunch of other cool stuff I don’t even know about yet.” Sources confirmed that Thurston would not learn about most of the features included in his home’s smart thermostat, smart speaker, or smart baby monitor until subsequent CIA documents were leaked.

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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