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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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San Andreas Fault Feels Terrible For What It’s About To Do

CALIFORNIA—Saying it feels “really awful” about what is about to happen, the San Andreas Fault issued a preemptive apology Monday to California’s citizenry stretching from San Francisco to Los Angeles. “I hate to say it, but the amount of stress in all three of my segments has reached sufficient levels, and, well, I’ll just be honest here, it’s going to be really bad,” the tectonic boundary said, adding that it felt especially sorry for any Californians currently on the Golden Gate Bridge or in one of the upper floors of the U.S. Bank Tower in Los Angeles. “The thing is, I can’t make it stop. Believe me, I would if I could, but the friction and tension in my plates has been building and building for such a long time, and now they’re going to slip. In 30 minutes. I’m so, so sorry. Last thing in the world I wanted to do.” The San Andreas Fault noted that, on the bright side, the people of Arizona and Nevada are going to love their new oceanfront property.

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