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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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San Andreas Fault Feels Terrible For What It’s About To Do

CALIFORNIA—Saying it feels “really awful” about what is about to happen, the San Andreas Fault issued a preemptive apology Monday to California’s citizenry stretching from San Francisco to Los Angeles. “I hate to say it, but the amount of stress in all three of my segments has reached sufficient levels, and, well, I’ll just be honest here, it’s going to be really bad,” the tectonic boundary said, adding that it felt especially sorry for any Californians currently on the Golden Gate Bridge or in one of the upper floors of the U.S. Bank Tower in Los Angeles. “The thing is, I can’t make it stop. Believe me, I would if I could, but the friction and tension in my plates has been building and building for such a long time, and now they’re going to slip. In 30 minutes. I’m so, so sorry. Last thing in the world I wanted to do.” The San Andreas Fault noted that, on the bright side, the people of Arizona and Nevada are going to love their new oceanfront property.

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