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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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San Andreas Fault Feels Terrible For What It’s About To Do

CALIFORNIA—Saying it feels “really awful” about what is about to happen, the San Andreas Fault issued a preemptive apology Monday to California’s citizenry stretching from San Francisco to Los Angeles. “I hate to say it, but the amount of stress in all three of my segments has reached sufficient levels, and, well, I’ll just be honest here, it’s going to be really bad,” the tectonic boundary said, adding that it felt especially sorry for any Californians currently on the Golden Gate Bridge or in one of the upper floors of the U.S. Bank Tower in Los Angeles. “The thing is, I can’t make it stop. Believe me, I would if I could, but the friction and tension in my plates has been building and building for such a long time, and now they’re going to slip. In 30 minutes. I’m so, so sorry. Last thing in the world I wanted to do.” The San Andreas Fault noted that, on the bright side, the people of Arizona and Nevada are going to love their new oceanfront property.

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