adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

San Diego Zoo Displays First Rhino Stillborn In Captivity

SAN DIEGO—The San Diego Zoo continues to welcome the record crowds coming from far and wide to see its latest attraction: Ren, the first Indian rhinoceros stillborn in captivity. “What really captivates people about Ren is that he was born far too early and came into the world as just the tiniest little expulsion of mucus-covered fetal tissue,” said animal keeper Jeff Cooperman, speaking to reporters Friday about the zoo’s newest superstar. “Everybody loves Ren, from the schoolkids who voted in our “Name the Dead Rhino Fetus” contest to the grownups who are charmed by the way he just lies there by his mom and are quick to notice the miniature tip of his underdeveloped horn nub.” Additionally, Cooperman noted that the gift shop’s bestselling items were lumpy, red-flecked stuffed toys made in the likeness of Ren.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close