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Politics

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Sanders Campaign Headquarters Smashed Up By Gang Of Pinkerton Union Busters

BURLINGTON, VT―Wielding billy clubs as they kicked down the door and began smashing everything in sight, a team of union-busting officers from Pinkerton’s National Detective Agency reportedly tore apart the headquarters of Vermont senator Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign Wednesday. “Your little operation here has been causing problems for some of our clients, so I’m afraid we have no choice but to shut you down,” one of the Pinkertons said through his brushy, waxed mustache as he grabbed senior campaign advisor Tad Devine by the lapels, shoved him against the wall, and ripped a “Bernie 2016” button from his shirt before crushing it beneath his boot heel. “This presidential bid stops right here, see? Or next time it won’t just be a few filing cabinets and boxes of stickers that get a working-over from the boys here, if you hear what I’m saying.” Sources said the hired goons then filed toward the exit, upending a table stacked with “Feel The Bern” coffee mugs on their way out.

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