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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Sanders Campaign Headquarters Smashed Up By Gang Of Pinkerton Union Busters

BURLINGTON, VT―Wielding billy clubs as they kicked down the door and began smashing everything in sight, a team of union-busting officers from Pinkerton’s National Detective Agency reportedly tore apart the headquarters of Vermont senator Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign Wednesday. “Your little operation here has been causing problems for some of our clients, so I’m afraid we have no choice but to shut you down,” one of the Pinkertons said through his brushy, waxed mustache as he grabbed senior campaign advisor Tad Devine by the lapels, shoved him against the wall, and ripped a “Bernie 2016” button from his shirt before crushing it beneath his boot heel. “This presidential bid stops right here, see? Or next time it won’t just be a few filing cabinets and boxes of stickers that get a working-over from the boys here, if you hear what I’m saying.” Sources said the hired goons then filed toward the exit, upending a table stacked with “Feel The Bern” coffee mugs on their way out.

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