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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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Sanders Impresses Florida Voters By Jumping From Hotel Balcony Into Pool

MIAMI—Whirling an empty Corona bottle above his head as he drew onlookers’ attention with a loud, sustained howl, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders reportedly impressed Florida voters Monday by jumping from his hotel balcony into the pool below. “Hey, everyone, check this out!” said the shirtless two-term Vermont senator, clambering up onto the railing outside his fifth-floor hotel room and prompting a chorus of cheers by briefly dancing on the narrow ledge to the audible strains of Fetty Wap’s “Trap Queen” emanating from the poolside patio before making the 50-foot leap into the water. “Bombs away!” At press time, a soaking-wet Sanders was inviting the swing state’s residents to “really get this party started” by joining him for body shots of Jose Cuervo.

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