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Politics

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired

Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Southwest High School officials reportedly fired ninth-grade history teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her. Full article.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Sanders Impresses Florida Voters By Jumping From Hotel Balcony Into Pool

MIAMI—Whirling an empty Corona bottle above his head as he drew onlookers’ attention with a loud, sustained howl, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders reportedly impressed Florida voters Monday by jumping from his hotel balcony into the pool below. “Hey, everyone, check this out!” said the shirtless two-term Vermont senator, clambering up onto the railing outside his fifth-floor hotel room and prompting a chorus of cheers by briefly dancing on the narrow ledge to the audible strains of Fetty Wap’s “Trap Queen” emanating from the poolside patio before making the 50-foot leap into the water. “Bombs away!” At press time, a soaking-wet Sanders was inviting the swing state’s residents to “really get this party started” by joining him for body shots of Jose Cuervo.

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Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

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