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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Sanrio Introduces New Divorced Character

TOKYO—Sanrio Company, Ltd., the Japan-based creators of "Hello Kitty," unveiled the latest addition to their cartoon universe Monday, a divorced dolphin named Batsu-Ichi.

The newly single Batsu-Ichi reheats a taco in his microwave.

"We are hoping that Batsu-Ichi's adventures put smiles on people's faces, especially those of young children," Sanrio spokesman Shinji Nakata said. "We believe he will be the latest successful Sanrio merchandising vehicle, in spite of his broken marriage."

Shortly after Sanrio's announcement, Batsu-Ichi's "biography" and his accompanying image were posted on Sanrio's web site.

"Batsu-Ichi frolics in his briny home of Water-Loo with all his associates and, on every other weekend, his two children, Porpy and Finn," the biography read. "Batsu-Ichi's favorite meal is tacos, and he likes to play tennis. His five-year marriage to Sharu-chi, also a dolphin, ended last year. Batsu-Ichi lives in a charming efficiency apartment on the outskirts of Water-Loo where he has a talking microwave named Yummy. His job is raking the ocean waves flat so the sun can shine through. He loves his job but may have to take another one to make his monthly child-support payments. Batsu-Ichi is an outgoing and highly eligible little dolphin, but he has yet to work up the courage to ask out his cute coworker, Misako The Cuttlefish. Always a game little fellow, Batsu-Ichi's motto is 'Take It One Day At A Time!'"

As with other Sanrio characters, Batsu-Ichi will be featured on a variety of products, such as stationery, notebooks, dishware, stickers, patches, wristwatches, pens, pencils, pencil cases, calendars, jewelry, keychains, posters, baseball caps, mugs, makeup kits, novelty pillows, inflatable chairs, miniature candy dispensers, and divorce forms.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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