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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Santa Signs Legislation To Help Special-Wants Children

NORTH POLE—Kristofer Kringle, an international toy distributor popularly known as "Santa Claus," approved elf-penned legislation Monday that grants greater benefits to often-neglected "special wants" children. "Old policies failed to reward the world's children for dreaming big, but no longer—children with special or unusual wants shall see them all fulfilled on Christmas morning," Kringle said, in an announcement met with strong support from parents of the developmentally entitled. "My children were all born with special wants," said Glenda Froman, mother of three. "After years of whiny suffering, they'll finally have their wish: Xbox 360s in every room, matching ponies, and a rocket-powered bicycle they're allowed to fly inside the house."

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